@AzureStag8440

2 years ago

Tw/cw- it gets dark For me school has almost always been a source of stress. Anxiety. Some kind of pain that I can’t get rid of because, by law, I’m required to attend until j graduate from high school at the minimum. And I’m debating college, I don’t know if I want to go or not but my mom wants me to. And she’s overall a great mom, I love her and I don’t want to disappoint her. She’s always been proud of me and happy for me. I think sometimes I deny it because I don’t want to admit it. But when it comes to school if I don’t understand something or I don’t get a concept, what do I do? I don’t ask for help, I look up results or answers online to make sure I score well or almost perfect on my work. It’s not because I don’t want to do the work, it’s because I don’t understand. But I don’t wanna ask for help, I don’t want to because if this is on level material that I’m struggling with so much- and somehow almost everyone else can handle just fine, I feel stupid. I feel like I’m not as good as everyone else because I can’t understand it like everyone else does, I can’t understand the material at an on level area. And when my grades are low, as much as I love my mom I don’t wanna tell her. Because I’m scared of disappointing her. I don’t like having low grades because it feels like if I don’t have good grades I’m failing, I’m a failure if I’m doing as well as the world told me I should be. I should understand the content. I should understand the work, but I don’t. I shouldn’t need help but I do but I don’t wanna ask because it feels degrading that I’d need help with something everyone else understands. I’m good at art, creative subjects- creating, making things. Not doing math problems, understanding certain English subjects or writing papers. And even in school, high school at the least- even an art school doesn’t entirely focus on just. Art. You still have to deal with and struggle through core subjects. Even if that’s not at all where you want to go in life, if things like more advanced math or English or understanding of history have nothing to do with the career you want. What you want to go after. You’re still forced to learn things you don’t need, things that waste your time. Middle school was when, I admit, I was at my lowest. During middle school, I’ll admit. I struggled with self harm, and there were a lot of times I contemplated suicide. One day when I was writing something I got caught by a teacher and had to talk to one of the higher staff of the school- but instead of making a mandatory meeting to talk with my mom to something they just told me to talk to her. Nothing else, didn’t check on me after that. And half the teachers, if not most. Seemed like they didn’t like working there and didn’t like the kids. Middle school was also when I was starting to find my gender identity and i said just a bit about it, and from then on I was relentlessly bullied for it. And sometimes if people were bugging me or bullying me in class, if I reacted or told them to stop- trying to defend myself, I was the one that would get told off. I climbed out of that dark hell in my mind by myself, I don’t know how but I did. I pulled myself out of it, and it was not easy. But even after these years, it all still feels so hard. I’ve never told the people closest to me, my family, about just how bad my mental health ever got. My mom still doesn’t know and never knew I self harmed. I’ve been clean for several years now but sometimes I still get urges, urges to give in and relapse into that. I can still see the scars on my arm. The scars are minimal because I did it shallow enough that people wouldn’t notice, you would never see them there unless you knew they were there in the first place. Everything is just so hard, it hurts. But I always take on others problems and don’t talk about my own. Because I don’t want people to see me in that dark a place, why would I? I know how hard life can be, how painful it is. I never want someone to fall as low as I did, I do everything in my power to try and keep that from happening. I take everyone’s problems on as my own. Talk to them, talk them through their problems. There’s been several times where I even talked someone(s) away from hurting themselves or committing suicide. Even if it feels like my life is breaking apart, like I’m suffocating, I still put on this face that I’m perfectly fine. That my mental health has fully recovered , that I’m the happiest person I could hope to be and help others. Because I’m scared. I’m scared to admit that I need help. Scared to admit I’ve ever struggled like that, mentally or in school. I don’t want people to worry about me because they already deal with enough and if I can lighten that load then somehow- maybe somehow if I can help someone- it won’t feel like life is suffocating me anymore. Maybe it’ll make me somehow, some way- in some day, it’ll make me feel like I’m good enough.

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