@ayanichu

2 years ago

Since everybody else is sharing personal experiences I would like to share mine <3 I had this friend, we were friends for 4 years. I always kept comparing myself to other people, she was always the smarter one, the prettier one, the more popular one... I didn't care, whenever I was with her it felt like all me problems were just melting away, I never had a care in the world when I was with her. Before we both went to a new school I had my doubts, I kept thinking "what if we stop being friends because of this, what if we find new friends and we just forget about our friendship?!?!" She was my everything, my friend, my light... she was the only thing that kept me from thinking suicidal thoughts... the only person that truly understood me. We both had so much in common. When the school year started, we started drifting apart. We got into this big fight about me stealing something when I didn't steal it, when that happened I kept thinking, "Is this my fault?" "What did I do wrong?" After that I had the audacity to apologize to her, when she was the one who blamed me. Ever since she went to the same school as me, she started acting meaner, bullying people, even making fun of them. She was my closest friend, I didn't want to lose that so I kept my mouth shut. After we made up we started eating lunch separately, I kept growing more and more jealous, whenever I got jealous I would push people away (I still do) I kept acting like she didn't mean anything to me, I kept ignoring her until she confronted me about it, saying she was jealous. She than told me that we should eat lunch together! Me on Tuesdays & Thursdays, her with her friends on the rest of the days. My thoughts at the moment were "what... she chose them over...me?" "she chose people she just met over a person she's known for 4 years?" I was devastated I started comparing myself to her friends, "Oh, she's so much prettier than me, everything I've always wanted to be" I started crying myself to sleep, again thinking "what did I do wrong" as well as "would anybody care if I just...jumped" We stopped talking to each other, hanging out with my other friends more and more, secretly stealing glances at her to see if I was making her jealous. Finally, it happened I was in gym, hanging out with my friends when, she wanted to speak with me. I'll never forget the words she said, "I-I think we should stop being best friends...you have your friends and I have mine" I felt like my heart was breaking into tiny pieces... I tried to hide it I really did, but I just cried, so much. It hurt, it hurt so much, my heart was squeezing so painfully, it hurt so fucking much. My friends noticed and they comforted me, she came over and wanted to see why I was hugging my friend so much, she looked unconcerned. The closest friend I had, the one person that understood me, was gone... she didn't want me anymore... if she didn't, than no one would. My friends cheered me up, they helped me feel better and by the end of the period I was feeling so much better! Until I got home, I had a mental breakdown, crying, thinking suicidal thoughts, whenever I thought of her I felt like my heart was being squeezed inside my chest, the world felt like it was about to end. During the next few weeks I tried to get over her, the two songs that helped me cope were Two Birds & I Love You So. Even after all those weeks I still couldn't get over her, she finally made her move, she and her friends tried to tell me something at recess, I ignored them, I didn't want to be hurt again... I did my classes, than gym came along. She kept following me, I kept hiding behind my friends, running away or ignoring her. She finally said, "Why are you so scared of me?!?" And at that moment I didn't say anything...Now that I look back it I really should have said something, but the thing is, I can't stand up for myself, I can't make up my own decisions, I was asked if I wanted to go to honors, I couldn't make up my mind, I sat there, crying for 2 fucking hours, I wanted to go to honors, just because my friend was there, that was it. It was my friendship with her verses my own well-being. It took me 2 fucking hours to choose the right thing for myself, not her, myself. That's the problem I think of my friends, other peoples well being, before I think of myself. Best of all, this happened the day before she said she didn't want to be friends... I told her I chose my class over hers, I guess, she thought our friendship wasn't worth it anymore... Now back to where we were before, she finally said, "I give up" But she still kept coming back. Throwing her scrunchie at me so she could get closer to me and my friend. I finally talked to her, I forgot what I said. But when I came back home, I went to my messages, and texted her, that I wanted to be friends with her again...Tbh I already knew it was over, both of us really wanted to be friends again, but we really just can't, she showed her true colors, I showed mine. About a week later I was in ELA class, I vented out to my friend, it felt so good, so nice to get all of that off of my chest, I felt freed of all of the things I was torturing myself with! But than as we were playing at recess, I saw her and her new "bestie" they were doing the same things we used to do, running away from somebody while dragging each other along, laughing. I saw them and I felt so much worse...so much fucking worse, I felt like my life was just breaking down, I hate being replaced, my best friend, she just looked so happy, and her friend, she was so much more prettier than me. During those past weeks I tried to focus on me and my friends, but it wasn't the same. Soo here I am venting to random people on the internet, when we were still friends, she gave me this bracelet she got for me, I plan on giving it back to her, as im typing this im wearing the bracelet, I can't get over her... I really can't I probably never will she meant so much to me...But ill always be happy when she's happy! heh... -a person :)

81 |