@Solangeloshipper

1 year ago

Vent My brother has been a mistake ever since he was in middle school. Because of that, my parents pushed all of their hopes and dreams onto me. It was fun in the beginning, they would praise me when I got good grades on a test or did a hard move skating and give me gifts when I won gymnastics competitions. But as soon as Covid happened, when I was in grade 7, I guess they thought I was too old for that or something because they got obsessive with it. It started with them just scolding me for simple things. Like when I got a bad grade on a test(which is total bull, I haven't gotten below a 90 in my life but anything below 95% is a disappointment I guess), or when my room was more messy than usual, which I think also contributed into my current mental state but oh well. But after a while, they started yelling at me for no reason. They poke out everything they can to make sure I don't end up like my brother. Who has a fine job, by the way, it just wasn't up to their standards. My mother is the reason I'm anorexic, she regularly comments on my weight and yells at me about it. She used to call me fat but when she saw that I agreed with her she switched to calling me too skinny. She started telling me that no clothes look good on a skinny person. But a while ago that felt like praise, so when she said it I just got happier. She realized that as well and is back to calling me fat. ANd it makes sense, I'm not perfect if I'm not pretty. That goes with being perfect, if I was just smart and not pretty than I wouldn't be worth anything to my parents. Being skinny factors into that I guess so I need to be skinny if I want to be perfect. I'd say I'm in a better mental state than I was back then but I still have an eating disorder. That's actually not entirely my mom's fault either. Two years ago the girl who sat beside me in grade 8 made fun of my food and weight every day. I started not being able to eat in front of others because of it and that's a habit that still hasn't gone away. My mom and that girl combined started an eating disorder I guess. My dad tells me every day what I'm going to do in the future. I honestly don't even want to be what they want me to but I don't have any other dreams because any time I say I want to be something else they crush that by pointing out all the ways I won't be fit for it. My dad isn't even home that often, he comes home for like a week after being away for nearly two. And when he is home he's constantly planning my future or telling me the things I'm doing wrong. Sometimes they yell at me for doing my schoolwork and not helping them around the house as well, I can't understand them at all sometimes. When I do get good grades or do something right they go back to praising me so I always try my best but most times it's not good enough. I would take the few moments of praise over the constant yelling. I can't do anything that my parents don't agree with and I can't say no to them either because they just yell at me and call me ungrateful. I honestly feel like I'm stuck. My brother still lives with us but he's not even in the house most of the time. I see him once a week tops. Not to mention my parents are homophobic, and that's less than ideal because I'm pan. I can't even joke about it without my parents getting mad and telling me not to mention anything related to 'those types of people'. I'm too scared to bring it up to my brother to see how he reacts because he tells my parents everything, whether on purpose or not. The only reason I'm even commenting this without the fear of being caught is because my parents finally stopped checking my phone a year ago because they think their wonderful golden child can do nothing wrong. They used to check my phone every night when I first got it to make sure I wasn't doing anything wrong. They checked it once a week a year later and they finally stopped. I'm not allowed to go to other people's houses at all. I'm not allowed to stay up after 9 unless I have a homework assignment that needs more time. Although I never go to sleep at 9, I just lay in bed doing nothing. Well I use my phone now, I had to give it to my parents every night the first year. I could go on and on about the rules that I have but won't because this comment is long enough. I guess I'm just waiting to graduate in two years so I can finally graduate and have an excuse to leave. Anyways that was very long and I'm sorry to anyone who read that but I had to get that off my chest.

486 |