@boop2999

9 months ago

gosh, I can't believe it's been almost a year since the last time I visited here, and for the same reason too. y'know, I really didn't know things could get any complicated, but here are I thought I'd already gotten over him, but I guess not. Things were going alright I guess, just like any other day, no special interactions, until these past few days. These thoughts started overflowing in my mind as I started overthinking again. It was during one of our classes when this other girl, who got close to him this year sat together just behind me. I didn't really pay attention at first, but then I suddenly heard something that made me think that they were talking about me. I couldn't help but listen to their conversation from my seat. From what I could assume, he was telling the girl about his "experiences" or "moments" with me I guess? & From reaction, I could tell that it wasn't something good. "I never thought she would be like that" was something along the lines that the girl said. Okay, hear me out, it's not that I did something really rude to him intentionally, it's just that im not exactly the most sociable person, & it's also been a while since I've liked anyone before, so I didn't know how to react whenever me & him meet. But to him, I probably seemed like I was either disinterested just disliked him. I fr hate myself so much for all the times I responded incorrectly. Like, I couldn've said or done something eveb better that that! Why'd I have to act like that in front of him? I felt so so dumb. Now, it's just been a few days since that incident, but I can't get my mind off of it. & yesterday, the girl & him sat with each other again, chatting. That time, I could only hear him say something like"her English good too". And then that made me even more confused, but tbh i think I was probably overthinking, but what could I do when I can't stop thinking about him? Also just some extra tea, he was walking to the front door to our class, and I was just behind him. He let in his friend first & when was just about to go in, he saw me waiting for him to get inside. But do you know what happened? He assisted for me to get in first. I was so surprised since it was sudden, and I felt giddy & smiled a little, but now the more that I think about it, what if he was just being nice? Fast forward to today, it.. seems like he's ignoring or even avoiding me. He won't really look me in the eyes, and doesn't keep eye contact with me. I miss his smile. There's just..something different. And you know what's the saddest part of today? The bell just rang and everyone was getting ready to go home. My friend, who sat behind me gave me back my pencil that she borrowed earlier. And just after I took my pencil back & turn to the front, suddenly came a sound: "Hmph! You like me but why don't you talk to me!" (he said this in another language, so the wording might sound a bit funny) he said, as he not too forcefully put his things in his bag and stormed (?) he way out of the classroom. (I say this coz I heard the sound of his footsteps clearly) I was dumbfounded. What could that mean? Does that mean he actually does have a liking to me? Or was I overthinking & being delusional, again. I wish I had look at his face or just even his way just so I could clarify it. But it was too late. I was so close to asking my friend (the one who borrowed my pencil earlier) about what had just happened, but I couldn't bear to ask her coz I haven't told her about my feelings for him either. So now, I'm left with utter confusion, frustration and disappointment. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Plus, we still have school tomorrow so I don't know how I'm gonna face him. Should I just pretend that it never happened? Coz tbh I'm also not that sure about anything, but also the signs I'm getting all feel so real. But I also don't want to keep pretending that I don't like him.. y'know? sometimes, I don't know if it's really true, I might really just be overthinking and being delusional again. There's so much that I want to express but I don't know even how to explain all of them here. So, I'm just gonna leave it at that. I haven't been able to tell anyone about this. It feels good to finally let it out :") We have a class trip near the end of the year, so I was thinking that if nothing works out between us, I'd just at least like to tell him how I feel. Even if it really turns out that he never liked me, I just want to confess to him and let him know since I also don't know if I'm going to stay in this school long coz I might be changing schools next year. Even just imagining the moment, makes my heart ache, but also relieving at the same time? Because I finally get to tell him I I feel andknow how he feels about me. This is so long oh god💀 Thank you to whoever read till the end lmao😭🌹💟 peace!

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