@djporter5029

9 months ago

I met him in 8th grade, his 7th. In my 10th, we became best friends, always joking about dating. Prom was around the corner, and on the day I planned on asking him, we were sent home, and COVID began. We fell slightly out of touch, but I reached out about a month later. I invited him to come camping with me, my sister, her bf, and our roommate. On the camping trip, it rained, soaking my blanket. In response, me and him shared a blanket and cuddled for warmth. The next night we went back to my place and all stayed, trying to still somewhat camp. That night he told me he loved me for the first time, and the next day, I asked him out. I came to learn by continuing to talk to him, I saved his life. I came to learn so much about his pain, his uniqueness. I came to learn about my own. For 2 years, we were happy. Then I graduated, I got depressed, and my toxic family affected me more than I wanted. I became such a horrible person. I chose every night to ignore him, and just hang out with my dad smoking. I stopped showing that I loved him. I pushed him away. He cut things off. I persisted, wanting so desperately to fix things and clouded by the pain. I said some hurtful things. I did some stupid things, just trying to get him to come back. Now he has me blocked on just about everything. I haven't seen him in almost a year. I've missed so much. Him, and all of his friends, hate me. I've come a long way since then, sought help from friends and therapy, began my dream career. But every day I feel hopeless. He made me want to be a better person. He wanted nothing but the best for me. I undervalued him. I haven't felt much of anything since it happened. I don't expect forgiveness. I can't even forgive myself. I'm sorry, for everything. I don't know if I'll ever be able to move forward without you, but I will keep trying. You showed me both how much I have, and everything I don't. I'll always love you, I just wish I knew better.

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