@Tdx_Edge

11 months ago

I am currently laying in my bed, barley awake and my eyes filled with tears, I have so much to live up to in my family, my oldest brother went to collage for his favorite sport, baseball, and my other brother has won worlds fittest 15 year old, 16 year old, and 17 year old in the crossfit games. my father has a very very high paying job because hes a heart doctor. And im just a 14 year old kid sitting in his bed, watching anime, not doing anything. Sure I play volleyball, but only my mom shows up to my tournaments, and the only reason she goes is because I couldn't find a ride to take me up there. I am the family disappointment. My oldest brother is good with kids and has a job tis summer at kanakuk kamps, he is a great person and has so many friends. My other brother is the crossfit guy he is very spiritually invested in what he does and he has all the positive personality traits you can think of. Meanwhile im a little freshman with anger issues, am rude even though I dont mean to be. My girlfriend broke up with me about 4 months ago, I just started talking to her again, trying to be friends with her again. But she chronically ghosts me for days. I have 0 close friends that I can talk to about my mental health issues. Back about a year and a month ago i was on a vacation to Florida with one of my friends. in the middle of the night I went and stepped up on the balcony off of the 3rd floor. seconds after I sent my goodbye text to my only close friend back then she called me and talked me out of killing myself, sometimes I regret not jumping but I try to think positively, But its so god damn hard when I have all of these expectations to live up to. I just want to take a warm bath and disappear and get erased from reality. But sadly things like that haven't been invented yet. And I haven't even talked grades yet. Im by far the dumbest sibling, while Im tied with my middle brother in iq and the oldest is 2 points below me they are far far more smart than me. My oldest brother is learning architecture and my middle brother is learning and studying the bible, both of them have straight a's in all classes, but I score A-'s and b's And my mom scolds me because Ive decided to give up on this outdated and retarded school system that Im supposed to learn from. My life has turned to shit. I was doing good for about 3 months, but then it all came back to me. I haven't told any family members any of my problems because my brothers would make fun of me or use it as ammo in conversations. and my parents would either tell me to shake it off or think its a joke and that im not actually struggling. all my friends in my life are starting to get jobs and im stuck here writing my sad life story on a computer with tears blurring my vision at 1:21 AM. I just want to die already. my "friends" I've known for 10+ years at this point have turned their backs on me and have started doing stuff without me. I get a pain in my chest when I see on their story's them hanging out playing minigolf or whatever they do. I obviously wouldn't know what they would do because im never invited. I mean for gods sake one of them arranged a spikeball tournament with 40+ people my age. He barely even talks to half the people he invited, he didn't even check if i was open or anything. It hurt so much because when school was in session my friends would be like "im so excited for the tournament today!" right Infront of my face. Then I ask them questions and they always say "you aren't in the gc?" no, no im not, because nobody notices me anymore. I've become invisible to half the people that I see now. I just want to end it all already. I just really want to go to heaven already. Its gotta be better than it is here right?

45 |