@lifesabitxh9597

9 months ago

This feels like i can be vulnerable here and open my heart out. Ive been seeing deaths very closely since i was a kid, lost my paternal grandma when i was around 10, i was soo close to her, then almost a month later i lost my uncle too. I was merely a child i had no idea about life and death and what happens after it. All i could see was my grandma not moving, not giving me kisses and she was just gone, I could touch her cold pale body. Even today I remember very clearly how awful that feeling was. After a few years, i was around 16, clearly remember the moment how dad told me n my elder brother, our another uncle was hospitalised and he said this doesn’t feel good. And unfortunately we lost him too, though we were not close but he loved me and I remember us all playing as a kid. I could see my father devastated, yet another one of his family members lost, never saw him so fragile and shattered. But we became his strength. 2015, my dad had to undergo cardiac surgery, it was my elder brother who gave us all the confidence to go through it all. All went well thankfully :) In 2017, I was 20, I were in dental school, stayed at dorm, Feb 26, i got a call from my cousin early in the morning, told me my brother had met with an accident last night, hospitalised since then, i rushed somehow to go to his place, felt so sick suddenly had to puke before catching the bus, i used to believe in God back then, prayed throughout the whole journey, reached hospital after about an hour, around 9AM, i saw mum dad, and relatives, neighbors everyone at the hospital gate, trying to leave or something. I had no idea what was happening, i asked my cousin to tell me which way is he being treated, she told me he’s no more? I didn’t believe her, I asked everyone around, they all told me he’s in morgue, i was just lost, sat in disbelief about what exactly has happened, i immediately said i wanna see dad, he was sitting in a car, helpless, hugged him. the exact conversation, the exact situation, time, moments still haunt me at nights. Comes in front of my eyes out of nowhere and i try to distract myself. My support system, my brother, was gone. I was all alone now, to face this shitty life. It was miserable to see mumdad losing their son. Horrible thing for a parent to see. I resumed my graduation, got busy, and completed in 2021 October. Its been almost two years now since I completed it, i do nothing, im back at home to mom dad, and everyday i try to change my life and crawl back to bed next moment, staring into nothingness at nights, thinking how different it would have been if i had my brother here. Its been two years of self doubt, self hate and guilt of not being good enough. My friends are doing better than me, and it leaves me with a feeling of failure. It gets deeper and darker every day. I dont know how to get out of this. Everyone judges me, my relatives see me as failure who wont do anything, my friends. My mum has been my biggest supporter and i think im only alive because of her. I gotta live for her and dad. Sorry if this has been too much. Just wanted to let it out, since I’ve never been able to talk to anyone. I hope few years from now, it gets better.

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