@Hoarderindenial

9 months ago

you know, im glad i get to exist in this lifetime with people like you. I’m sure others can say the same. This video is amazing, and it speaks to me. Don’t mean to get all gooey but i’ve done some pretty bad stuff in my past. I’ve hurt others, i’ve hurt myself, i’ve ruined relationships, etc. That was a couple years ago (maybe 3-4), but every day it still feels like the day after i realized what i had done do the people closest to me, the people i loved with all my heart. And yet, a couple years later the guilt still eats at me the same way. It knows me inside and out, and knows what buttons to push and when. I’ve spent my time since then trying to be a better human, trying to change. Because, i think its the best way i can show how terribly sorry i am. Yet i still find myself in the same head i was in that very day. I don’t know what I really expected from myself, did i expect to be magically transported into a different body? Hours of journaling, searching on Quora and Reddit for answers, talking to a therapist i never truly opened myself up to, traveling far away, trying to surround myself with different people i never truly connected with, trying to find a new hobby, listening to different music, and trying to analyze a past i never completely remembered still left me in the same little jail cell full of shame and guilt. I like to think i’m not afraid of what other people think of me, and on the surface it seems so. But the reason i can never truly open up to others is BECAUSE i am terribly afraid of what they would think of me after. So i suffer in silence and a deep-rooted loneliness. I’ve considered everything that usually 16 year olds shouldn’t even be considering (I still feel like im 15, my birthday was a couple days ago). I have found no peace, no magical item in a mythical forest that can change my life instantly or give me the answer, i showed up empty-handed, nothing to prove and nobody to prove anything to. So I spend my nights alone now, I look up at the stars (i don’t wish on them anymore). And I think of how cold our universe is, no answer, no meaning. But i think that makes it all feel so much more special. We don’t know exactly who we are, or what we are doing. All on this spinning planet together, unsure of anything deep down. And maybe some of us are sure of something, we are all just the same species trying to survive each day (well, most of us). We are here together and while some things divide us, i find solace in places like these. Your channel, youtube comment sections on Minecraft parodies from 2015 (it’s nice to see others who are also reminiscing their childhood), people who again and again open their hearts up for others, and catching fireflies and showing them to my dog. Nobody has to read any of this, i don’t really expect anyone to. I just want you to kinda know that your videos have changed people’s perspective and in most cases, their life. You don’t see people who can do that too often. But i hope u find your groove in life, and peace if you haven’t already. Sorry this is so long, but thanks for lookin at it :)

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