@shaymcdonald4870

2 weeks ago

In the spirit of forgiving ones self. I'd like to forgive myself for not speaking at my brothers memorial service when I was given the chance. I didn't know if I could bare to speak the truth in front of so many onlookers... and I hated the idea of over sweetening his memory. I should have said. At age 4 Bobby prayed for a little sister. On his 5th birthday I was brought home from the hospital, he was so happy to be a big brother. We had many great memories together growing up, that being said like many other siblings we didn't always get along. I felt lucky to not have to spend time in the hospital like him... I felt uneasy as I watched what the medications he was prescribed changed him. I watched as he became rebellious and tried things like nicotine, and weed. That quickly snowballed into other things, I thought nothing wrong with trying stuff here and there right? A heavy feeling sat in my stomach when I left to school one morning... I had caught him peering into the fridge of our dingy kitchen... his pupils almost completely covered his pale blue eyes. When he got a new girlfriend she introduced him to heroin, that drug only brought out the worst in him. He helped commit a crime and then tried to pin it on me... I had just turned 18. That didn't work. Then one day he went crazy in our living room. He blew up at me because I told him to not treat people like a literal ash tray. We fought hard, he ripped my sunburn off my shoulders, a whole layer of skin. The cops came, our house was condemned. Homeless in the summer at 18. My grandmother greased some palms to get the charges dropped. Anything for her grandson. He called my school that summer and pretended to be my Dad, a thing he used to do so I could play hooky. That time though, he told them I was deceased. No one confirmed that... I showed up first day of senior year and still can't un see their faces when they saw me. That broke my heart once we realized what happened. That still wasn't enough for him though... I was helping my parents remodel a new house, they lived with just me and my boyfriend at our rental home. In the process of moving into the new home, my parents let my brother stay in the empty rental for the last few days of the lease. He invited my abuser over and they destroyed the house... Flooded the basement, ruined all of my artwork, and portfolios. You might be thinking surly that's all he did? no, he then continued to manipulate my parents. They'd use the rent money I had to pay them in the new house, and used it to pay for his rent at my ex's house... My mom would continually sneak him in the house went I'd be gone, and eventually I had enough. Any time I'd see him I'd demand him to be gone, not even caring if he didn't have a place to go. The last day he was alive I saw him at a local store, my mom would drive him around. I took out a piece of paper and wrote ' dope fiend' sticking it on the windshield for him to see. the next day my ex knocked on my door, I almost shut it in his face when he told me the news. My brother was gone, I truly would never see him again. So yes Id like to forgive myself, as I'm sure no one else would have put up with all that for as long as I did. And when they asked me if I'd like to speak at his memorial service... I doubt anyone else would have known what to say either.

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