@TD-ix2ld

1 month ago

When I was 21 I was heartbroken and felt betrayed. I realised in all of my sorrow, that more than anything I had to work on myself. I had to work on how I perceived the world, how I saw myself, how I loved, loved life, loved the people around me, loved myself. So. I started working. I started going out in nature, I started going to the cinema, I started going to the forest, I started going to the library, all of it by myself. When I started exploring I suddenly found what I had longed for all my life. I found what I had searched for, but I didn't find it where I had searched. I didn't find it in other people. I'd thought that someone loving me, all of me, required me to love them with everything I got. I thought it required for me to soothe my own wishes and preference. I thought it required for me to suppress my inner voice. To make them feel loved, I suppressed my inner voice, my own wishes and needs, as an act of love. For them to feel loved. The only way I thought all of me could be loved. If another person loved me. But as I was there, in the park, listening to calming music, looking at the lake behind the tress, I heard it very quietly. There it was. What I had searched for. My companion. My inner voice. I knew I had to keep working to keep it by my side. I knew I had to show it all the love and kindness and tenderness I had waited my whole life to show another's soul. As time passed and my visits to the park, to the forest, to the cinema, became more, and I heard it, my inner voice, louder and clearer. I decided that till the day I turned 23 I would give myself the privileged of feeling incomplete. I needed time to get to know this new companion of mine. I had to give myself time to learn. Every moment I felt incomplete, I would tell myself I had yet to turn 23. That way there was no reason to worry about my incompleteness. All I had to care about, was making my companion feel loved and welcome by my side. As the month passed the voice grew and it stayed. It became the norm to have it by my side, just like the love and tenderness I showed it. The summer I was to turn 23 I felt it so presently, that I stopped thinking about it. My companion had become a part of me. A part of me I'd lost in my wish to show others love. To be loved. But here I was. Complete. Completely loving my companion, the way I had been longing to be loved. For the first time in my life I didn't long for love. Love was now rooted in me. That summer I met a boy. A boy that made me feel safe and calm. A boy that made me feel like I had never felt before. He made me be present. He made me not worry about the future. He made me feel. He made me feel that to be myself, was the most normal thing in the world. As if I hadnt spent my whole life worrying about letting myself show. Letting myself feel. Feel the world, and feel who I was. Instead I had felt for everyone else. He made feeling be a good thing. But without my companion I would not have been able to meet him there. I would not have been able to show him the love that my companion had brought me. And I would not have been able to feel myself. I only realised that true love does exist, when I found it in myself and another person. Now everyday I'm thanking the universe for my love's existence.

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