@kapokikkodragneel1505

3 months ago

I had an argument with my dad. He was talking about how women don't have any disadvantages anymore because legally we're not disadvantaged. And I had to disagree, we don't have any legal disadvantages anymore, but that doesn't mean we get treated equally all the time. He asked me to give an example. The thing I immediately thought about in that moment was how I felt like I wasn't taken seriously in the conservatory. He says "It's really easy to blame everything that goes wrong on being a woman". I never said that I failed because I'm a woman. And I couldn't really get out eh words to explain what I was trying to say. So I'd like to do it now. I never thought I failed because I'm a woman. But it did not help. I'm sure that if I wasn't as feminine or came across as serious and stern I wouldn't have faced the same judgements. I had been told straight to my face that I had to take myself seriously, but at the same time I apparently was taking myself too seriously when I'd defend my art or when I got completely blocked and couldn't even write anymore. So what exactly wasn't serious about me? The fact that I wore cute clothing? The fact that I wore makeup that made me look sweet? The fact that I come across as naive because of my bubbly personality and shyness? The fact that I don't tend to fight back? The things that I have learned I'm supposed to be as a woman? Luckily for me I don't dislike these traits. I tend to like being cute and feminine. Not so lucky for me that means that I have try very damn hard to be seen as serious and capable. And not so lucky for me I couldn't handle that and ended up completely breaking down. I didn't even realize how unfair this one specific teacher really was to me. He would give me bullshit criticism that meant absolutely nothing, I couldn't learn anything and he just made me feel like a silly little girl in the process. Too silly to understand all these grand philosophical things he was talking about. Liking hearing himself talk way too much to listen to try to understand what I was doing, what I wanted to do. Some other things. I can't walk alone at night through certain streets in my neighborhood without being spoken to, followed and getting scared out of my mind cuz I cannot defend myself if something were to happen. I feel more safe when going out with a guy in my group because it's so much easier if a guy can tell off guys for you. Which is so unfair. I get scared when I have to reject a guy because I'm afraid that I'll bruise his ego and if I'm really unlucky, he will make sure that I suffer more from that rejection than he did. Being seen as more than just a woman or a woman with a cool skill by men is kind of hard. Which sucks because this world is litterally run by men. So we also have to appeal to men in some capacity if we want to get stuff done. Or be a cool ass bitch that somehow demands so much authority that it doesn't even matter (tho I'm sure they also get their fair share of men being butthurt cause this woman is just walking all over them because... she's capable.) I used to be completely ignored by some guys in my scouting group because they didn't think I was pretty. And I still feel this to this day. To many guys I'm absolutely nothing if they don't deem me attractive. Ignored and pushed aside, worthless. So don't tell me that I shouldn't put much effort in my makeup and clothing because it sure as hell is important. Even to these snobs who look down on women for caring about their looks, don't sit there and tell me you aren't the first to complain about a woman wearing too much makeup or wearing skimpy clothing. Who's the one obsessed with looks and clothes now? (This is a bit of different thing I guess but I still want to mention it: I get hit on by guys and clearly feel how they're looking down on me. Arrogant assholes who mistake my sweetness for being dumb. Yet they still hit on me? And it just makes me feel horribly disgusting. Or you can feel a guy being interested in you... but it's not really you, even when you start talking a lot they really don't care about you at all. They're not getting to know you. I don't know what they're interested in but its not me. Makes me feel very icky and disgusting. ) So no, it's not just because I'm a woman. It just makes it pretty damn hard sometimes. And some women are strong enough to fight through all that and to fight for what they're worth and deserve. I'm not. I sit quietly because I'm not supposed to complain. I don't naturally push back and assume that when people blame me or tell me I'm doing something wrong... They're right. I don't have any of that naturally and I've never been taught to fight back. All I ever got was questioning. "You're not having mental difficulties, you just wanted to be lazy and your teacher dying was the perfect opportunity for that." "Maybe you're just misunderstanding what he's saying to you" This may be all over the place. I'm writing this on my phone so I don't have a good overview of what I just wrote. But it's 2am and I'm having a complete mental breakdown. So yee, this was fun lol.

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