Views : 11,746,326
Genre: Music
Date of upload: May 6, 2022 ^^
Rating : 4.964 (3,624/402,925 LTDR)
RYD date created : 2024-05-22T11:11:50.629477Z
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Top Comments of this video!! :3
dear future me,
if you ever come back here, because youāre feeling sad over the same guy, or just alone, please donāt let this pain take full control. mom needs you, dad loves you, the twins wants you by their side and sis needs you the most here. so please donāt let anyone or anything tear you down. life is a roller coaster, it goes up and down. remember how much your friends loves you and how much they care about, even though they donāt reallu show it.
Dear future me, please be happy and donāt stop growing.
-2022 me
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I cant believe how sad I would have been listening to this a year ago, Iām so grateful I got over whatever I was going throughā¦ I can confirm though, my self esteem and happiness are the highest theyāve been in my life, and to the person who took the time to read this, I wish you the same!
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To YOU reading this, I pray that whatever is bothering and hurting you or whatever you are constantly stressing about gets better. May all the negativity, dark thoughts, the overthinking, and the doubt exit your mind and may clarity replace confusion. May your life be filled with peace, love, compassion, clarity, and companionship
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I got one of those light projector things that was an ad on insta for Christmas from a grandparent, hadent used it much. Then tonight I thought why not put it on today.
I've just been staring at the changing colours, the flickering lights and 'this music' for near on 3 hours. I don't know why, all I know is that so many memories that id forgotten have just been streaming into my head. People, places, events that are islands of understanding only, but memories nun the less.
The one, prominent thing though, is my ex. We've been apart for 4 years and I hardly if ever think of them. I'm still young so when I say we were together for two years, relatively speaking that was quite a big deal for me. A year in I had to move schools, money issues, but we insisted on making the relevant last. Cut forward to the fifteenth of February 2020, the day after Valentine's, I get this message, someone was being a dick to them but it's worded in a vailed way, I could tell bits of the story we're missing. Even so I tried to be supportive, othering my word and help. Then I take the side of devils advocate, one message, one train of thought and they blow up on me.
Paragraphs later, both sides being torn apart I ask if we can meet but with being so young and both living very busy lives we can't find the time. And for years we didn't talk again.
I knew that for our war of words I was equally to blame, but I still don't know to this day the full story of that day, why they blew up at me, what really happened to them.
We saw each other years later at a college we both ended up going to. We had two interactions, one was a bumping into outside the other an arrange meet I set up to try and see if we could be friends or at least acquaintances. The words ment nothing, I felt nothing saying hello how are you how's the dog ext...
I've not really felt right since, two years after this last convo, 4 years after it ended in a fiery mess.
Idk why I wrote this, guess I just needed to get it out there, just somewhere, not to hide it but just to mark it down, another memory to add to the list.
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For some reason the first tune took me back to my early childhood, I remember some toys that would have little melodies that were both calming and sad for me and they would make me feel funny as thoughts would come and go, I'd imagine myself in the future taking care of my old parents, if I would be alone and lonely after they passed away.
It's a very strange thing that I as an infant could already have the concept of death in my mind, as far back as I remember I always took this concept with a lot of fascination.
It didn't take long though for my father to pass, I was twelve at the time and didn't have the opportunity to care for him as I had imagined.
Two months ago my grandma passed too, I had the opportunity to stay by her side until the last day, she was bedridden for the past year, so I'm quite satisfied I got to care for her until the end.
And one year and 10 days ago, my girlfriend passed away too, we basically grew up together, we were going to marry, move away, have our own family, and expected to live a calm life, to be there for one another until we were old and ready to part for a while.
I had other losses too, but amongst all of them those three have been the ones I had the most diverse experiences with grief.
For grandma it hurt just at the beginning, a week later the heartache wasn't there anymore, that's because when we learn about death we already expect for our older members of the family to pass away first, and I was getting ready for that day many years ago. The experience itself was very fulfilling too, since I did all I could do for her, I'd say I accomplished my duty to her.
For father it hurt a lot, even though, as well as with grandma, we already expect to burry our parents when we learn about death, it happened very soon in my life, it was unexpected, he had a cancer that grew for a very long time, silently, and when exams finally came it was already terminal. His passing was so shocking I only realised I wouldn't see him again when the coffin was getting closed. At that age I'd look at him and see him as my hero, so it's a very strange thing to see a hero fall like this in one month he was well, and in the other he was sleeping in a bed of flowers, eerily silent. At least I got to say goodbye to him, and from there on the pressure of having to grow up soon taking lots of responsibilities I wasn't ready for gave me a crippling depression.
For my girlfriend, this was the toughest one, she is the one who always were there for me, who gave me hope for things would get better, and having her by my side allowed me to dream bigger and go after the things I wanted, but we never think someone our age would die so suddenly. Last year her family got sick, contracted covid and she stayed to help them recover, but she would be the last person of her family to get infected and the only one who died. In one week after she tested positive she had 75% of her lungs afflicted, she got admited in a hospital, and in another week she passed away. In the end I couldn't see her, I couldn't talk to her, I couldn't be there for her, I couldn't take care of her.
During the first 8 months the heartache was so intense and so crippling I couldn't get out of my bed, I'd wake up with an intense pain in my chest and would go to sleep with it, sometimes I'd even cry in my sleep. During this time I felt like I was slowly dying, that my heart was about to give up and stop anytime.
I felt weak, lost a lot of weight, gained a lot of weight, lost any will to keep on living, wanted to kill myself but couldn't commit to it. I just wanted us to be together, besides that nothing really made sense anymore, other things didn't matter. I still don't know where did I pull the strenght to keep on living, but I know she wouldn't want that for me, I also had to take care of my grandma, and maybe having this single purpose saved me. And now I'm here today, still kind off hurting, but I can still go on. I'm about to be 30 this year, and we were together for half of our lives.
So, if you're going trough some very hard times in your life, and don't want to live in this world anymore, and you can't go on, things doesn't make sense, and you've completely lost your way; take a deep breath, because when you think you can't take on your struggles anymore know you have still half of your strenght left, hidden somewhere deep inside of you. And it's fine to stop for a while, or reduce the pace to recover. But if you set a goal for yourself and focus on surviving through these hardships only to get there, you will get a hold to that hidden strenght you have, even if you can't get to that goal, but you will have made through the hardest days of your life, and that only helps you shape a better you.
Also don't be shy and seek help, a good professional therapist can help you see through the darkest days.
I'm gonna go now, to take my medicine and ready myself for another battle,
Godspeed, fellow survivors!
;
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Every night, at 3 am, I lay in bed and listen to music like this. It makes me think about what people probably experience right now around the globe. How many people are happy, how many are in love, and how many cry. I realize that I don't matter. Many years civilization will follow after I will be gone. My existence is not of any influence.
Edit: too dumb for proper English
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I try to give out as much love as I can and tell people how special they are but when someone says it to me I start crying, and it feels like my whole just started spin, like I had been waiting to hear those words and has finally gotten to, and I found that in these comments and this music
Thank you so much to everyone, to you who created the music, to you who made the playlist, and to all of those in the comments telling everyone how special they are
You have made my day/night so much brighter
<3
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@dreamscape..
2 years ago
Mix is available on Spotify, Apple & Deezer. Link here: lnk.to/darkambient
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