@gansetsukon

2 years ago

For some reason the first tune took me back to my early childhood, I remember some toys that would have little melodies that were both calming and sad for me and they would make me feel funny as thoughts would come and go, I'd imagine myself in the future taking care of my old parents, if I would be alone and lonely after they passed away.
It's a very strange thing that I as an infant could already have the concept of death in my mind, as far back as I remember I always took this concept with a lot of fascination.

It didn't take long though for my father to pass, I was twelve at the time and didn't have the opportunity to care for him as I had imagined.
Two months ago my grandma passed too, I had the opportunity to stay by her side until the last day, she was bedridden for the past year, so I'm quite satisfied I got to care for her until the end.
And one year and 10 days ago, my girlfriend passed away too, we basically grew up together, we were going to marry, move away, have our own family, and expected to live a calm life, to be there for one another until we were old and ready to part for a while.

I had other losses too, but amongst all of them those three have been the ones I had the most diverse experiences with grief.
For grandma it hurt just at the beginning, a week later the heartache wasn't there anymore, that's because when we learn about death we already expect for our older members of the family to pass away first, and I was getting ready for that day many years ago. The experience itself was very fulfilling too, since I did all I could do for her, I'd say I accomplished my duty to her.

For father it hurt a lot, even though, as well as with grandma, we already expect to burry our parents when we learn about death, it happened very soon in my life, it was unexpected, he had a cancer that grew for a very long time, silently, and when exams finally came it was already terminal. His passing was so shocking I only realised I wouldn't see him again when the coffin was getting closed. At that age I'd look at him and see him as my hero, so it's a very strange thing to see a hero fall like this in one month he was well, and in the other he was sleeping in a bed of flowers, eerily silent. At least I got to say goodbye to him, and from there on the pressure of having to grow up soon taking lots of responsibilities I wasn't ready for gave me a crippling depression.

For my girlfriend, this was the toughest one, she is the one who always were there for me, who gave me hope for things would get better, and having her by my side allowed me to dream bigger and go after the things I wanted, but we never think someone our age would die so suddenly. Last year her family got sick, contracted covid and she stayed to help them recover, but she would be the last person of her family to get infected and the only one who died. In one week after she tested positive she had 75% of her lungs afflicted, she got admited in a hospital, and in another week she passed away. In the end I couldn't see her, I couldn't talk to her, I couldn't be there for her, I couldn't take care of her.
During the first 8 months the heartache was so intense and so crippling I couldn't get out of my bed, I'd wake up with an intense pain in my chest and would go to sleep with it, sometimes I'd even cry in my sleep. During this time I felt like I was slowly dying, that my heart was about to give up and stop anytime.
I felt weak, lost a lot of weight, gained a lot of weight, lost any will to keep on living, wanted to kill myself but couldn't commit to it. I just wanted us to be together, besides that nothing really made sense anymore, other things didn't matter. I still don't know where did I pull the strenght to keep on living, but I know she wouldn't want that for me, I also had to take care of my grandma, and maybe having this single purpose saved me. And now I'm here today, still kind off hurting, but I can still go on. I'm about to be 30 this year, and we were together for half of our lives.

So, if you're going trough some very hard times in your life, and don't want to live in this world anymore, and you can't go on, things doesn't make sense, and you've completely lost your way; take a deep breath, because when you think you can't take on your struggles anymore know you have still half of your strenght left, hidden somewhere deep inside of you. And it's fine to stop for a while, or reduce the pace to recover. But if you set a goal for yourself and focus on surviving through these hardships only to get there, you will get a hold to that hidden strenght you have, even if you can't get to that goal, but you will have made through the hardest days of your life, and that only helps you shape a better you.
Also don't be shy and seek help, a good professional therapist can help you see through the darkest days.

I'm gonna go now, to take my medicine and ready myself for another battle,
Godspeed, fellow survivors!
;

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