@Livv.649

8 months ago

Rant time because I'm bored af: I'm the oldest, but every stereotype about kids I'm the middle. I've never been good at anything; sports, art, games, you name it and I've failed. So I am always living in the shadow of my sisters; one is good at sports and the other can do art really well. Any time I try and do something new my sisters have already done it, or if they do it they will get more praise. School is basically the only thing I'm good at, but even my sisters seem to get more praise out of it. I'm expected to always get 100%, if my sisters get that it's a great job, I'm so proud of you (and yes they almost always get A's to so basically the same grades). In my school they have this thing called cluster where basically you are a year ahead. I got put into it for math, without even needing to be tested or anything. I needed so much help because I went from never thinking negative numbers existed to you need to add, subtract, multiply and divide them because you already know this. I never got help and if I did bad it was a why didn't you do good enough. My sister had to take a test and barely passed after studying for weeks and she needs help now (after skipping 7th grade). Everyone wants to help her and tells her how proud they are, it feels almost as if they forgot what I'm doing. I'm in 2 honors classes, a year ahead in math, learning a language, learning to code and more and they ask me why I have to spend so long on studying and I'm stupid for not understanding things. I once wanted to try art, but when I brought it up to my sisters and family they just laughed because I can't do art (I laughed with them and played it off as a joke). But as the oldest I do have to take care of my younger sisters, they tell me everything and I have to live with that, I have to solve their problems and I have to skip my homework to help them with theirs, anything and everything they want I give to them. It's expected now, it isn't oh thank you for doing it, it's a I hate you for not helping me. Everything just hurts me so bad, and at school I'm all alone. I lost my best friend in 6th grade (we just grew apart and I don't even know her anymore because everything has changed), and I've never been able to make friends after elementary school. Every friend I made I lost because they would move away. And after 8 years of that happening you lose hope, so I stopped. I have one "friend" not fake or anything but just she has better friends. It feels almost as if I'm just there. At lunch I just sit there and listen, they never talk to me. After almost 4 years of never trying to make friends it isn't something that I can just do, my one friend she talked to me first, that's all. I haven't made a friend since 3rd grade and I'm in high school now. I hurt so so bad, but I don't tell anyone because I'm a side character, not someone you pay attention to or want to learn about. Everything in here, no one even knows about because no one asks. I was talking to this guardian person for my parents custody battel, and after like 10 minutes of talking she told me that I should go talk to a counselor but honestly I don't want to, because I'll miss class and then I'll have more homework, and if he call's me in a class where I know someone then they'll ask. And what should I tell them. What do you even talk to a counselor about? Do you just walk in and say life sucks? Cause honestly I like the boxes I put things in and store them away, and later at night or when I'm alone I open all of them and look at them, put them back up and forget about them till next time. But lately the boxes have started to fall off the shelf and open up without me knowing. But I'll be fine, because I always have been and always will be. Let's just hope I'm never left alone with a drink or scissors and my thoughts. LOL I don't mean that because I know I would never be able to stop. :shelterin::shelterin:

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