@KK-hd1jw

6 months ago

(Hey, so this is just my angsty teen ramblings about my fears as I turn 16, including some existential topics that could be triggering) I’m so scared. I can’t imagine the world ending already. I remember sometimes wishing I’d never have to grow up, that it would all just stop before then, but it was a selfish wish. And what happens next? Is it all just over, or will we carry on somehow? I will admit that I’m not sure I believe wholeheartedly in my religion, but I’m scared my doubts might be warranted. Some believe that you go to hell for simply believing in the “wrong God” but I don’t think so. I hope not. Is the afterlife temporary? Is existence eternal? Is it peaceful after the curtains close, and the applause dies down? Is the world actually ending soon, or will it be much longer after this? What would I change if I could go back in time, and relive my life up to this point? Was any of it worth anything at all? How much time did I waste trying to do things “the correct way” or trying to be perfect? I cared so much about grades and expectations back when it didn’t matter. If I could go back and take different opportunities, explore different things, would I feel more fulfilled? Would I still be as lost as I feel now? Some days, I feel less strongly about the existence of God than I do other days. Does he care for us? Does he see us in the way a birdwatcher admires a blue jay or a hummingbird? Does he love us like a parent ought to love his child? Maybe he looks upon us with a bittersweet smile, or his chest swells with pride. Does his heart ache as he watches us hurt each other, cause conflict, and die from our ignorance?Does he stand back to admire his masterpiece, colors swirling in an infinite dance of love, pain, grief, excitement, and spin out like a web of human history? I’d like to believe in a god that loves us, that holds us close, that believes in us even when we cannot. I’d like to believe in a kind god, one who wants us all to be happy, and feels everything that we feel. A god who cries when we cry, sings when we sing, hurt when we hurt. But is that true? Is it reality? What if there is no god as we humans see it? What if none of it matters? Are we really so inconsequential to the universe as a whole that we can be this aware, be this dangerous, be this creative and genuine, and nothing else in all of existence bat an eye at how we destroy ourselves? Are we so small in the world that we could blast ourselves into oblivion and not even leave a dent in the wider universe as we know it? I don’t know. Maybe I can find comfort in the incomprehensible.

9 |