@ivra6345

3 weeks ago

My life story it’s going to be long so grab something to eat: my first bad memory is when I was 3 years old when one of my mother’s boyfriend who was physically violent with her decided to punish me because according to him I had stood up to her (refused to obey ) he put me on my knees face to the walls and told me not to move this for 45 minutes (despite my mother who asked him to stop ) at the end when I got up I saw that my knees were marked by the floor it is the only memory that I have of this period ( later mother told me he used to punish me like this ) then when I was 5 my mother who went through a lot of difficult things through her life tried to commit su*cide by cutt*ng her wr*sts, I know it because when my grandfather arrived I went to her room and I saw the blood on her arms and her bed and it made an impression on me ( I remember it very well 16 years later ) When I was 11 years old my 3 years old sister was diagnosed with cancer 2 months after the announcement of her cancer my father and I had a disagreement and he decided to cut contact with me and prevent me from seeing my little sister (he only made contact while she was healing from her cancer )! It is important to know that while the situation with my sister and father was happening I was harassed everyday of the week at school (they harassed because in their eyes I was overweight but even if I was.... I was eating because that was the only that helped me cope with what was going on ! These events happened in a 1 year period during which I had my first suicidal thought ! When I was 13 years old a person in my family made a mistake and the police raided our apartment and ravaged everything on their way it traumatized my mother who developed ptsd which aggravated her depression ! between my the age of 13 and 17 years old on the school life I was still harassed everyday of the week and on a personal level I lost a dozen members of my family with whom I was close! Between my 17 years ( 2020 ) and my 21 years ( 2024 ) I did not go out much and I did not make much progress in my projects because of what happened (I never had a girlfriend and I have no friend ) Recently ( January 2024 ) I met a really nice smiling and respectful girl well our conversations were going well and one day I asked if we could be friends, and she replied that no because she did not see herself being friends with a boy ! which I understand and she told me that because I'm nice we can continue to talk in a professional way ( we often cross each other due to our professional career ) except that several days after this conversation I started to have suicidal thoughts and I got scared and because as I had no one to talk to expect her I chose to talk about it with the girl before I first warned by sending this message (7th march) : '' I am sending you this message to know if in the coming days you'd be available to have a conversation with me because I need to talk about a very serious problem that came back during the week and that had not happened to me for several months and from experience I know that when it happens I really must not be alone and absolutely talk about it with someone ! So normally I should only talk about this kind of problem with people in my family or friends but I currently have no friends and in my family well My mom already has health issues so I don’t want to make things worse by telling her about it ! Honestly it bothers me a lot to ask you this because we don’t know each other that much and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable but when this kind of thing happens to boys, It is usually difficult to ask for help before it is too late due to the embarrassment that we can feeling when talking about this and usually when out and when we ask for help we can only do it with a person who inspires us enough confidence to have a conversation with them and you inspire me trust! '' she answered me : ''I’m not really sure I can help you but tell me '' Then I told her about my suicidal thoughts! in the message after she asked me my number and after giving it I got messages from her boyfriend telling me '' stop yapping about your life ! she's not your friend '' after receiving the messages I sent an apology message to the girl but she never answered ! In the days that followed I realized that my mental health situation destroyed the only beneficial relationship that I had in the last decade and my suicidal thoughts became much more frequent a week ago my mother was admitted to the hospital for respiratory problems and we exchanged messages but 2 later ( Wednesday ) that same day I started writing suicide letters that I wanted to leave for my family but later in the afternoon my aunt who visited my mother in the hospital told me that my mother’s respiratory problems caused a weakening of her lungs and therefore to help her lungs the hospital staff decided to put her on artificial ventilator ( in a coma ) so since Wednesday I sleep at my grandmother's house with 2 uncles and honestly I am lost I mean when I see my life I have trouble finding anything positive so I am listening to this video at 5 am alone in one of my uncles bedroom !

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