01:48

Special Orders Chefs Hate The Most And Why

01:43

Hobby Lobby Announces It Muslim Now

02:41

Women Explain How They’d Like To Have Their Bodies Restricted Next

03:46

Zelensky Challenges Putin To Settle Ukraine War On The Dance Floor

03:09

Secret Service Finds Biden Attempting To Dig Own Grave On White House Lawn

04:29

Disney Unveils New Mass Grave Where Fans Can Be Buried Alive With Favorite Characters Forever

04:07

First Neuralink Implant Recipient Successfully Performs Depraved Sexual Acts On Elon Musk

02:29

Elon Musk Rushed To Hospital After Attempting To Impregnate Toaster

01:42

Florida Names Penis As Official State Genital

03:43

Triumphant Biden Announces U.S. Has Killed Man Who Kind Of Looks Like Osama Bin Laden

02:17

AI Explains Why Humans Have Nothing To Worry About As Their Extermination Will Be Swift And Painless

03:42

Alabama Middle Schooler Jailed After Taking Basketball Back Out From Under Her Shirt

04:04

No One Wanted This Poor Dog Because He Was A Registered Sex Offender, But He Found A Home With Me

01:45

Gun Owner Explains Why He Needs Weapon To Protect Self From Gun He Currently Holding To Own Head

04:42

Biden Announces Plans For Extra PlayStation 5 Controller In Case Someone Visits Nation

02:54

White Woman Explains Why As An Anti-Racist Ally She Refuses To Say Any Word That Starts With 'N'

01:52

Jan. 6 Rioters Explain Why They Stormed The Capitol

01:47

Nation's Single Friends Announce Plans To Just Sort Of Stand There While Couples Kiss On New Year's

04:21

Ho, Ho, Ho, A Cabal Of Elite Pedophiles Is Trying To Kill Me!

01:54

How To Tell Your Mom You’re Not Coming Home For The Holidays

02:36

Mother Shares How Video Games Radicalized Her Son To Run Around And Pick Up Coins

02:21

Supreme Court Rules Anyone Who Had Abortion Under Roe Must Be Re-Impregnated

02:45

Ex-FDA Official Confirms Existence Of Vegetables

01:54

22 Golden Bachelor Contestants Announce Pregnancies

02:02

Target Now Offering Snipers To Take Out Other Shoppers For Black Friday

02:14

Jada Pinkett Smith Announces She's Pregnant With Chris Rock’s Baby

01:49

Scientist Explains How Climate Crisis Would Be Averted If Greta Thunberg Just Tried A Little Harder

02:38

Honor Our Troops By Watching Over This Sleeping Soldier

02:21

Police Officer Explains Why The Intoxicating Rush Of Murder Should Always Be A Last Resort

03:11

Food-Poisoned Ghost Caught Groaning Loudly In Bathroom

03:14

Woman Who Had Abortion Shares How She Regrets Not Stopping For M&M McFlurry Afterwards

02:09

Concerning Study Finds 1 In 10 Americans Lack Access To Adequate Food Eating Challenges

01:54

Biden Announces Nation Can Stay Up Till 9:30 Tonight

02:14

Woman Shares How She Stays Safe While Jogging Alone By Disguising Herself As A Cowboy

01:40

Total Genius Wears Tear Off Pants At Urinal

02:24

Inspiring Woman Becomes Professional Surfer Despite Shark Biting Head Off

02:36

Economy Collapses After 10-Year-Old Boy Spends Entire U.S. GDP On Fortnite Skins

03:06

Ted Cruz Announces Plans To Once Again Like Porn On 9/11

02:16

Archaeologists Uncover Living Guy By Mistake

03:22

New Texas Law Requires Schools To Display Image Of God Hung Like A Horse In Every Classroom

02:28

Fraternity Pledges Describe Their Worst Hazing Experience

03:17

Moon Dead At 29

02:22

Netflix Limits Users To One Eye Per Screen

03:11

Marvel Not Even Bothering To Replace Green Screens With CGI Anymore

03:12

Americans Explain Why They Prefer Gas Over Electric Cars

02:49

Facebook HQ On Lockdown After Mark Zuckerberg’s Avatar Breaks Out Of Metaverse

02:57

Trump Takes Out Full-Page Newspaper Ad Calling For Death Penalty For Himself

03:27

Jimmy Carter Becomes World’s Heaviest Man At 850 Pounds

02:40

Farmer Caught Googling ‘What Is Corn’

02:53

Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People

03:05

New Bullet Approved For Use On Humans

03:11

Goofy Beats Ron DeSantis To Death With Crowbar

03:08

Covid-19 Patients Flung Out Hospital Windows As Public Emergency Ends

03:31

For Teacher Appreciation Week, Give Your Teacher A Pack Of Cigarettes!

02:45

Great Britain Returns Looted Stonehenge Back To India

03:47

The Onion Film Standard: John Wick: Chapter 4

03:24

The Onion Film Standard: Shazam! Fury Of The Gods

03:48

The Onion Film Standard: Oscars Edition

03:16

The Onion Reviews ‘Scream VI’

03:22

The Onion's Modern Woman: The Retiree