@sophiayahi5814

4 weeks ago

3 years. It’s been three years since he died, the only boy i’ve ever loved. I thought that with time, the unbearable pain would go away that i will stop feeling this way but i was wrong. I met him when we were both at the hospital, me for a surgery and him for health and psychological problem. When i met him, i immediately knew, we understood each other without even talking, he knew me like no one else could ever know me. We supported each other during covid, when it was just us in the hospitals. I never directly told him that i loved him even when he told me that he loved me but he knew. However i still blame myself everyday wondering what if i had just told him ? What if he died not knowing. how much he mattered to me. One night i had to travel to the south of the with in ambulance to meet new doctors before getting another surgery. I remember very well this night. He texted me a sweet message saying how much he loved me and i didn’t get it at first. As i always do, i joked about it saying try not to die without me even if i know that it’s too hard for you. Little did i know that the morning right after, he had died. I didn’t understand why he would not answer so i had my surgery and when i woke up i saw all my friends and family around me. I started joking saying what did someone died? They all looked at me with a blank face, i just woke up from a 8hours surgery so i was more than confused. My mom decided to let everybody leave and i couldn’t help it but get angry at her, without any reasons except the pain that my surgery was causing. After a long discussion she finally told me that thomas was found dead. After that i don’t remember a lot except falling in my bed, not screaming, not crying just staring at the wall. I couldn’t and refused to believe it. I waited 3 weeks convincing myself that he was still alive and that when i will get back at the hospital after my surgery, he would still be there even if everybody was trying to tell me the truth. 3 weeks later i kept texting him about how happy i was to come at the hospitals. When i arrived, i ran into his room even tho my mom was trying to keep me away from it. When i entered, i felt the a cold wind, as i sat my eyes on his bed seeing that someone else was in it i finally realized and i passed out. I kept on crying screaming at everyone when they did not do anything wrong. And for weeks, months i was just not myself. Now i’m a bit better but everyday i think of him, dream of him. When people said grief was the hardest thing to deal with, i did not realize because as naive as i was i thought well the person is dead so move on there’s nothing u can do about it. Now i know that even when your brains know that, your heart just won’t accept it. With time the pain won’t go away, you’ll just get used to it and u will find yourself doing the whole day without thinking of this person even when u thought it was impossible.

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