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I Want To Be A Child Star
Starring Luca Padovan
Written by Adam Schlesinger & Jack Dolgen

Tucker:
EVERY NIGHT, I LIE AWAKE
DREAMING OF MY BIG BREAK
I JUST GOTTA ACT AND DANCE AND SING
‘CAUSE I ONLY EVER WANTED ONE THING

I WANT TO BE A PRE-TEEN HOLLYWOOD TRAIN WRECK
A CAUTIONARY TALE
I WANT THE KIND OF FAME THAT’LL WARP MY BRAIN
AND EVENTUALLY LAND ME IN JAIL

I WANT TO SUE MY PARENTS FOR EMANCIPATION
AFTER THEY GET CAUGHT STEALING FROM ME
I WANT TO BE ON THE SET OF THE WALKING DEAD
WHEN I LOSE MY VIRGINITY

I WANT TO BE A

Tucker & Child Stars:
CHILD STAR

Tucker:
IT’S GONNA BE BAD

Tucker & Child Stars:
CHILD STAR

Tucker:
IT’S GONNA BE SAD, OH YEAH

CHILDHOOD IS OVERRATED
I’M READY FOR MINE TO END
I WANT TO HAVE AGENTS AND ASSISTANTS
INSTEAD OF ACTUAL FRIENDS

I’LL BE ABUSIVE AND EMOTIONALLY STUNTED
BUT EVERYONE WILL TOLERATE ME
THEY’LL HAVE NO CHOICE BECAUSE MY FACE AND MY VOICE
MAKE THEM ALL SO MUCH MONEY

I WANT TO HAVE A TEENAGE HOLLYWOOD MELTDOWN
BE A POP CULTURE CASUALTY
I WANT A BUNCH OF ADDICTIONS TO ILLEGAL PRESCRIPTIONS
AND COMPLETELY LOSE TOUCH WITH REALITY

I WANT TO SQUANDER EVERYTHING I’VE WORKED FOR

AND SPIRAL OUT OF CONTROL
I WANT TO WAKE UP IN VAN NUYS WITH A BUNCH SKETCHY GUYS
I’VE NEVER EVEN MET BEFORE

I WANT TO BE A

Tucker & Child Stars:
CHILD STAR

Tucker:
Who are you guys?

Tucker & Child Stars:
CHILD STAR

Child Star 1:
Can I have some more money?

Tucker:
Oh, baby, I’ve hit rock bottom. I can’t live like this. It’s time to get my act together. Refocus on my passion.

I WANT TO BE A DESPERATE HOLLYWOOD HAS-BEEN
A CLASSIC “WHERE ARE THEY NOW?”
I’LL TRY TO CLEAN UP MY ACT AND GET MY AGENT BACK
AND SALVAGE MY REPUTATION SOMEHOW

I’LL DO A LOT OF COMMUNITY SERVICE
AND APOLOGIZE TO MERYL STREEP
I WANT TO BE THAT FORMER CHILD STAR THAT YOU’LL SEE IN BARS
AND SAY, “HEY! THERE’S THAT BLOATED BANKRUPT CREEP!”

Tucker & Child Stars:
CHILD STAR!