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Don't Be A Lawyer
Starring Burl Moseley, Clark Moore
Written by Rachel Bloom, Jack Dolgen, & Adam Schlesinger

Jim:
TWENTY YEARS OLD, PRETTY SMART KID
DIDN’T KNOW WHAT I WANTED TO DO
SO I TOOK THE LSAT AND THEN, JUST LIKE THAT
GOT ACCEPTED AT GLENDALE U

EVERYONE SAID IT WAS A REAL SAFE BET
A PRESTIGIOUS AND LUCRATIVE VOCATION
SO I SET OUT ON A JOURNEY TO BECOME AN ATTORNEY
WITHOUT A MOMENT’S HESITATION

BUT HERE’S SOME FREE ADVICE I’M GIVING
WHEN IT COMES TO DECIDING WHAT TO DO FOR A LIVING

DON’T BE A LAWYER!
DON’T DO IT, QUICKEST WAY TO RUIN YOUR LIFE
DON’T BE A LAWYER!
NOT WORTH IT, IT’LL LEAVE YOU DEAD INSIDE

THE JOB IS INHERENTLY CRAPPY
THAT’S WHY YOU’VE NEVER MET A LAWYER WHO’S HAPPY
IT’S A GUARANTEED SOUL DESTROYER
DON’T BE A LAWYER!

LAW SCHOOL DEBT, DAILY REGRET
IS THAT WHAT YOU DREAMED OF AS A KID?
OR DID YOU HOPE ONE DAY THAT YOU’D FIND A WAY
TO SPEND FOUR YEARS WORKING ON A
PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY’S MERGER WITH ANOTHER PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY?

YOUR ONLY EXPERTISE IS RUNNING UP FEES
SPEAKING LEGALESE LIKE A DICK
BUT IT’S NOT TOO LATE TO AVOID THIS FATE
FIND ANY OTHER JOB TO PICK

Jim & Students:
SURE, YOUR PARENTS MIGHT THINK YOU’RE A FAILURE
BUT NO ONE’S EVER SAID, “FIRST, LET’S KILL ALL THE TAILORS!”
DON’T BE A LAWYER!

Jim:
I’M SERIOUS
IT REALLY, REALLY SUCKS
DON’T BE A LAWYER
NO ONE YOU WORK WITH LOOKS LIKE ALLY MCBEAL

THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER PROFESSIONS
THAT DON’T TURN YOU INTO JEFF SESSIONS
JUST SAY NO TO THE LAWYER EMPLOYER (NO!)
DON’T BE A LAWYER!

AJ:
WHAT ABOUT HUMAN RIGHTS LAW?

Jim:
NO MONEY
NO, NO MONEY

AJ:
ENVIRONMENTAL LAW?

Jim:
NO MONEY
EVEN LESS MONEY

AJ:
IMMIGRATION LAW?

Jim:
NO MONEY
PLUS IT’S A BUMMER

AJ:
OKAY...BUT WHAT IF, ONE DAY, YOU MAKE IT TO THE SUPREME COURT?

Jim:
IT’D BE GREAT TO BE ON THE SUPREME COURT
BUT YOU’LL NEVER BE ON THE SUPREME COURT
THERE’S TRULY NO CHANCE OF THAT HAPPENING!

Lawyer:
The preceding song in no way reflects the views of CBS and The CW network. Eh, screw it.

Jim:
SEE?
DON’T BE A LAWYER!