@ian-ux6sn

4 years ago

whenever I feel lost or alone or too much, I continue to come back to this music. this will be lost in the comments forever, I’m sure. I have been known to write too much in too many comment sections but tonight feels strange, like described before and I would just like to cry. each section was written as I heard it, just for tonight. this piece makes me feel like I’m closing up inside, shrinking in on my crumbling infrastructure like a kicked sandcastle until I fold over so many times that I become nothing. it makes me feel like a gaping maw is opening up inside my chest and swallowing me from the inside, gnashing teeth and a pitch black suction that pulls and pulls till I am no where but the void. it makes me feel like I’m making up for lost time with long forgotten friends that I miss so desperately but never want to see again, people who have betrayed me so many times but I am desperate for any sort of inkling that they care, desperate for a simpler time of many years ago. it feels like walking through every memory, good and bad, watching my own life pass me by in a spiraling whirlwind of color and scents and feelings, so bold and shameless that they eat me up and overwhelm me until I disappear inside a time I will never regain. it feels like a bad choice and a good one, like change in a way you can’t describe, a bittersweet tomorrow that will never again see the light of today, only the sun of the future and you are preparing yourself for a voyage into the vast unknown of next year, next month, next week. each second is a new beginning but, alas, a final chapter as well and you can’t help yourself but notice a pang of sorrow before that burst of excitement as you watch it all end. and you just can’t help but watch it all end. it feels like truth in the rawest way, something perfectly ugly and achy and real, but you dance in it anyway. it’s rising up and spiraling around you and it hurts, but it feels so good to be free. to finally be free of your past and all that hurt you before, and you’re laughing and you can’t control it because it’s all gone, you know you will see tomorrow’s rising sun and you will live on. you finally know you’re safe. it feels like being comforted by an old friend, a new one, and some version of yourself. like always knowing something would end up this way but still being upset anyway. it’s alright though, you know you have the right people and you know you will heal. it’s wiping your tears away and feeling hope after a dark, dark night. finally, you will heal. and by god, you are so ready. it’s being so ready to be whole again you can’t contain it. so warm and safe and prepared to feel something again that you can’t help but tear up a little bit at the thought of it. but you are ready. and so you move on. it just all feels so bittersweet. so melancholic and so nostalgic and so much of that ache between your ribs you can’t describe in any other way besides a hum in the back of your tired throat. something about this just makes you feel. and I am so lucky to have found it when I did. we all were so lucky. I can tell.

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