@janegifkins8761

3 weeks ago

Thank You Matthew ... My Father suffered from severe PTSD ... and was unable to be emotionally present for us, or our Mum ... there were 6 of us ... I often felt abandoned or dismissed by him, and was afraid of his inconsistency and angry outbursts ... we all were. My Mum stayed with him ... hoping that she could " Love him to make him better" ... and he was frequently absent, and could be psychotic. I can always remember trying to do the same as my Mum, and craved a connection with him. From the age of about 9, we returned from Africa, where me, and 5 of my 6 siblings were born, and my Father suffered a severe breakdown on his return. My relationships have all been with men who could not be Emotionally present, or Abusive men, as I did not know or understand a healthy way to relate, and was seeking "Love" ... without the knowledge of what a healthy relationship really was. I am now nearly 70, and your words have made me cry ... as I realise now that my Father was incapable of Loving us, due to his own brutal childhood experiences, and also his time in the RAF, during WW2, as a Fighter Pilot, then as an Intelligence Officer, gathering Intelligence in Germany for "The Nuremberg Trial's" .... and rounding up SS Officers, responsible for atrocities committed during this time. He then went on to take part in "The Nuremberg Trial's" with evidence that he had gathered. In many ways he was a truly remarkable man, who became a Wing Commander in the RAF, but he also carried so much pain from his own experiences, and suffered PTSD as a result. My Childhood was painful and confusing, and I found myself drawn to men much like my Father, who were emotionally distant and aloof, as this felt familiar to me. At no time in my life have I been able to form a real emotional connection in any of my relationship's, because of my own inability to recognise healthy patterns of behaviour. I believe that I may be a mixture of Dismissive and Fearful Avoidant , and may have a Disorganised Attachment Style ... but your words are so True for me, I just wish that I had realised all this many years ago. Your Wisdom is astounding, and I often listen to your YouTube information, as it helps me to understand myself better. Thank You Matthew. 41:42 41:42 41:42

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