@OrangeSpaceNewt

1 year ago

You know... My abuser showed me the first part of your story with your ex. He must have thought he was a "good guy" because he thought I wouldn't make the connection that my abuser and Haris were similar in demanding things with a victim complex. It took a few more years before I cut him out of my life completely after that. I didn't cut him out before because he'd always play the victim and claim that "I wanted him to do it" in our cuddles. Meanwhile I was just treating him like I would a lady friend because ladies are more affectionate in friendships than boys are. I had mental issues and PTSD that I was refusing to acknowledge. It took too long that what he was doing in our cuddles was wrong. Sometimes I wonder if I actually wanted to cuddle him. Due to my non-acknowledged mental issues and PTSD I let him go past my boundaries. I dissociated. I told him that what he's doing is wrong and how dare he crossed my boundaries. At the time I didn't know that I had mantal issues, so I didn't have an explanation of why he should back off. He demanded an explanation and even dropped hints that he could hurt himself by telling me that he knew where his dad's gun was. He'd purposely drive close to the seawall edge that was bordered by a flimsy cable line just to see my reaction. He knew I was afraid of water even if I didn't tell him. He knew. He knew he knew. He still doesn't know about my confirmed PTSD symptoms. But I had a feeling that he did even if he didn't know the proper term for it. He knew I couldn't trust men because of the evil men that were in my life in the past. He knew that I valued my family more than I valued him. He knew I could snap him like a twig if I so badly wanted to. So he played victim. Cue 7 years of wasted time. But what wasn't a waste for the last of those 3 years in the 7 years was when he mistakenly introduced me to my future wife. We cut him out completely and I'm still trying to accept that it happened. I want to forget my time with him, but it happened when I was trying to figure out my identity and what it was going to be for the rest of my life. He wasted my time, that's for sure. But he didn't waste that I had reasons to cut him out.

465 |