@vadim_voron

1 week ago

Today was a strange day. Even though, at first glance, nothing happened. Nothing at all. I woke up and felt this heaviness, this obsession. The endless and boundless expanse of my clouded mind. The more I tried to find a way out, the more I was enveloped in this thin but unbreakable shroud of a mixture of fear, anxiety.... Fear. Animal, though different. When an animal is frightened by the sound of thunder, flashes in the sky, it is frightened by sounds and flashes of light. But my anxiety had no cause. It was like something you forgot about or something that hadn't happened yet. I felt I had no place in this world, I had no place here..... I got up, ate breakfast and went outside. The overcast sky covered my city in an impenetrable cocoon. Every step I took felt like an eternity, and every breath I took brought back memories from the past. Mine? I don't know. I see people deceive themselves day after day, lie to their consciousness over and over again just to keep living. I've never been able to do that. If there was something wrong, something that was screaming and yelling around the corner, I couldn't just forget it, dissolve it into myself. Then my soul would scream and shout along with reality. And today, wandering through the streets as if through the veins of a living organism, I realised that I don't belong here. I am an infection that one reality fights against and another one feeds it. I don't belong to myself, my soul came from nowhere and into the darkness it will return. I look at my fingertips and see an illusion. These fingers do not belong to me. My body destroys itself every day and recreates itself anew before its time finally runs out. We are but an accident. Our lives are only important to ourselves, but then why can't I feel solid ground beneath my feet, why can't I find a foundation for myself. Because there is none. It's just an illusion. An imitation of life. An imitation of fingertips. Imitation of bad or good moods. Imitation of chaos and order. Imitation of good and evil. We all play this game here. Even though we think the pain is real, it's not. It's hidden behind the twists and turns of our brains where particles move, disintegrate and reconnect. That's what haunts me day in and day out. I can't find myself in this haunted world.

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