@philshuster7463

4 years ago

After seeing many interviews of the actors and director, I got up the courage to watch this movie for the first time in December 2019. One of the hardest things I've ever done. Why? Because, back in 1969-72 I had my own Oliver, not for 3 months but for 3 years while we were in college. I was Elio with dark hair, 5' 10" and, yes, just like in the movie, I played the piano, with my Jewish heritage. My Oliver was tall 6' 3", athletic and muscular with sandy blond hair. I was first introduced to Oliver by mutual friends in our boarding room house. My first impression of Oliver? He was full of joy, peace, confidence and charisma. He was beautiful and I was more than impressed. Oliver started coming more and more to see his old friends but it didnt take me long to realize he wasn't just coming to see them. We soon became friends ourselves, then good friends, then that magical something began to happen. We would see each other on campus and our eyes would be fixed on each other from a distance like two magnets drawing us together. We soon found ourselves in a conversation that would last an hour we really didn't have time to spend, then off to our next class. As the weeks progressed that first semester, we saw each other more and more...the energy and chemistry between us began to accelerate. Our love was being kindled and ignited in those early days. We both could feel it and we were becoming swept up in it. Neither of us had the understanding then of where this was leading us. Nor was I so sure that Jim was gay. I thought he was too manly or masculine to be gay. One weekend Jim invited me home with him. His mother was widowed and lived alone. Jim and I slept together in his bed. I think he planned that. After that night, there was no mystery as to our love and passion for each other. I thought my heart would leap out of my chest. I deferred to Jim's lead. It didn't take long for the shorts to come off. There we were like two blades of grass twisting and turning, nothing more beautiful. Jim was kind, gentle and passionate. I was initially more naive but Jim put me at complete ease. He knew what to do, how to do it and when to do it. He made our love so pure, natural and beautiful. Our "Monet's Berm" was the whole night in the grass behind my rooming house. That night we dreamed under the stars of a warm Kansas summer moon. I dont believe we slept 10 minutes that whole night. We played, laughed and studied together, we were devoted and committed to each other in an amazing bond. Jim and I took love and life to a whole new level. Jim was the nicest, most mature, strong and outgoing person I had ever met. Everyone loved him. He was a magnet and he drew me right to him. Just like Elio and Oliver, we ran around our college town of Emporia, Kansas having the time of our lives! Our love was deep and pure. We were obsessed with each other, never an unkind word said or anything remotely close to an argument. We found any excuse to visit our families, go skiing in the Colorado Rockies or take a train trip to the big city. How lovely it was to lay my head on Jim's strong shoulder and hold his arm as the train made it's way, rocking back and forth, down the tracks to Kansas City. We were "on top of the world." Jim loved my music and I loved his sports. We took advantage of every opportunity to be alone. We had to live under the radar. How well I remember driving down the highway, Jim had one hand on the steering wheel and the other hand all over me or under my clothes. We didn't talk about being gay, we just LIVED it. We never talked about the life we shared coming to an end, though inwardly we knew it would. And, it ended as fast as it started on graduation day. What should have been a happy day was anything but that. We had to be stoic and composed around friends and family. Later, when reality hit, I felt like I died a thousand deaths. The culture of conservative, rural America and prejudice was against us. I had no father like Elio's, no family, no friends to turn to that I could trust, no internet, no cell phones, or social media, so I retreated in silent pain, hurt, loss and discouragement. I cried myself to sleep every night or didn't sleep at all. We had written long letters to each other, all of which I threw away. The memory was too painful. Oliver wasn't just my first love, he was my only love. It took a long time, months and years, to get over Oliver. I don't think I really ever have. I will always carry him with me. I know exactly what it was like for Elio to look into the flames of that fire with tears rolling down his face...emotions I am so familiar with, pain no words can describe. "Oliver" moved out of the U.S. for several years and I continued to have dreams in my sleep about him, usually the dreams were a continuation of our relationship or a rekindling of it. Those dreams lasted for years and were often a "torment" (like PTSD) to me because for days following, I would be so conflicted inside my head and heart. I would wake up thinking Oliver was back, only to realize he was NEVER coming back. It has been 49 years now and "Oliver" and I have seen each other twice. The last time was 27 years ago. We exchange Christmas cards every year. Luca Guadagnino and Andre Aciman wrote a story and produced a movie that ended on the written page and the big screen but our story continues to this day. It has never ended. People may change but love does not and what happened in our lives so long ago, is still alive in us. We both have married, have children and grandchildren. I painfully watched CMBYN, scene by scene, which stirred up a whole set of emotions that had been lying dorment inside of me. After "recovering from" this bigger than life movie, Call Me By Your Name, I wrote a poem and I would like to dedicate it to "My Oliver," the lost love of my life, and to all the Elios and Olivers out there in this world who may have experienced the same. Uncannily, I find myself revisiting certain scenes from CMBYN. The visual is a stark reminder of what Jim and I experienced. Not just the sexual part but all the emotions of living love and the union of two souls molded as one.... On a better note, "Oliver" and I have been texting over the past year. I unexpectedly received a phone call from Jim and from that call, plans were made to meet in September 2021. *HERE IS THE UPDATE YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!!* 8/31/21-- Jim arrived on time with his wife to my home. Our wives really connected and enjoyed the visit. I was surprised how much Jim had aged in 27 years. He is 73 and in good health. He just has some nerve pain in his legs. Though he looked much different, underneath he was the same fun loving Jim from our college days. We shared and looked at dozens of pictures, laughed and ate a lot of good food. It was a very memorable and joyful time together with many hugs and friendly touching. It was like we had never been apart. Our personalities were the same as they were 49 years ago. I wish I could share the pictures we took together. I will savor them in my Jim & Phil album. We plan to make this a yearly get together. This is the best we could hope for in spite of the years that have kept us apart. I am thankful we both are still alive, enjoying life and still have much commonality. My thanks to all of you who have prayed and spoken kind words of support over us. Love is the greatest gift God has given us!❤❣ Life is short, make the MOST of it! There are friends and relationships that are for life. If at all possible, keep those friends close and don't let them slip away... 2024 Update: Jim and I have now met three times, in 2021, 2022 and 2023. It is a time we each look forward to but all too short for a two-day visit. We are grateful for what we have in spite of the years apart. Nothing in this life is easy.... CALL ME BY YOUR NAME Crema called two hearts unknown Oliver and Elio to summer’s glow. Gazing from the window below To one that walked into my soul. Did you just see that look to me, Was it meant what I think it to be? Hearts bounced and jumped to see, Was he thinking and wondering just about me? Laughing, talking, plucking the keys Grass, meadows, lying down in the breeze. Looking, touching, our hearts twisted and turned Bending, caressing as blades on the earth. The road was long and open to flee, Will I catch him as I pedaled with passionate speed? O Crema you called two hearts meant to be Locked in time, stood still with love’s purity. Call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine, To be joined in body and united as one, Risen together to life’s drum, Will it last til the end of sum? Tears fall to the soil, endlessly Breaking the soul of what was to be. It lasted for as long as we pressed in to see How hungry we were to be free. Summer’s end came with speed, As we ran the streets jumping to flee. We tried to pull on our destiny Only to be beaten by time and disbelief. A father who cared enough to speak Listened to a heart pouring out its grief. Giving his love to a son’s defeat Wisdom that gave this Elio relief. He left with a trace of who he was, My heart ached and torn for his grip on me. The fire brought warmth and comfort in need, The flames of love lost in eternity. (c) Phil Shuster

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