@ac1cognitive921

7 months ago

This song. This single song has brought out years of emotional bottling, silencing, and stagnation. I was diagnosed with autism at eight, and have been relentlessly bullied my entire life, and was routinely beaten by my father when ever I cried or had a melt down. As a result I learned to hide my emotions, and anything I viewed as showing "weakness". I quickly developed full on depression by the 5th grade. Adding onto the fact that I was self aware enough to know that, because I had autism, I would never be able to fit into society. That I would always be different from my peers on a neurological level. In 6th grade I started having suicidal ideation, and my self esteem rapidly began to decline, throughout 7th and 8th grade my mental health only got worse. Between 8th and 9th grade I met my girl friend at summer camp, and she quickly became one of the very rare sources of light in my life, and she still remains that way. By 9th grade, only at 14, I had reached possibly the worst state of my mental health in my entire life. I viewed myself as a burden to my parents and my girlfriend. Almost every week I had thoughts of suicide and self harm, and had vivid imaginations of how to end my life, which I thankfully never went through with. Then I developed anxiety at 15, after my girl friend was sexually assaulted by someone she thought was a friend. I have had anxiety since. After that as I got older my mental health improved slightly. And by senior year, I had started a turn around. I now write this as a 21 year old, who has suffered unimaginable pain and self-inflicted mental torture. I still struggle, and often times have anxiety attacks about my girl friends loyalty due to what happened years ago, which I question heavily due to never knowing what truly happened. To anyone who is struggling in some capacity, and who is hurting inside, there will be light, even if it isn't a bright one. But it will come. I'm living proof.

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