@88Zero

3 months ago

I joined the military thinking that it would fix my self worth, and laziness. My family did not believe mental health issues were real, so they pressured me to go into the military. I was training to become a special operator. I made it to basic training, and like all of my fellow trainees was very stressed. I dealt with this for 9 days, each day convinced it would improve and id make it through. The ninth day, i know now there was a discernable shift. I became completely immersed in darkness. I stood outside in formation, looking to the right in parade rest i saw myself hanging from the 3rd story of an outside stairwell raised off of the ground. I didnt question the thought at that time. As i moved forward, it began worsening, i wrote in my notebook what i thought and what i felt. I was having an internal meltdown. All i could think about was dying, and how much of a failure i was, and how id never make it as an operator because i cant control my mind. In the 5th week of training, i acted on my plan to commit suicide. I went into the bathroom in the middle of the night and tied my belt to a pole that stuck out of a toilet and went up to the ceiling. I had the tension right, so that i couldnt breathe a full breath. Then i pulled out a pair of scissors i stole from a flight office a floor above my dorm. Emotionally I felt nothing as i cut myself. I cut myself horizontally along my forearms. Then seeing blood, became enraged with myself and started slashing my wrists . I really messed myself up. I felt myself passing out, and i was relieved. But I was found by a fellow trainee who got up to use the latrine. I was conscious, covered in blood, and face red from trying to hang. I was hospitalized for four days and eventually sent home. It took a suicide attempt for me to realize i have been dealing with major depression and adjustment disorder my entire life. I carry a lot of guilt for what i did. I always will.

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