You Know What's Bullshit?! Lotto addicts.
You ever noticed these folks at convenience stores or gas stations who for some reason, decided to treat the counter as their own personal scratch-off sanctuary? They waddle up to the counter, ask for a ton of scratch offs, holding them like they're holding keys to the goddamn kingdom, completely oblivious to the fact that there's a line forming behind them longer than certain receipts. They stand there, their eyes glazed over, scratching away at their tickets as if they're uncovering the secrets of the fucking universe. Meanwhile, the rest of us poor fucks are tapping our feet, checking our watches or whatever, and mentally burning a hole in the back of that stupid dipshit's skull with our glare of discontent. And now the rest of the store's gonna be late for whatever else we gotta do because of this pathetic lotto-loving cunt can't get enough of their fucking gambling fix. Not only the scratching's the issue, but the buying process also. These fuckheads have to analyze every single scratch off like their SATs. “Do I want the Lucky Sevens or the Instant Cash Explosions?” Dude, you're not choosing a fine wine! It's a stupid piece of cardboard with a one and a million fucking chance of making you rich. But the real annoyance is when they win a few dollars and decide to reinvest their newfound fortune right then and there, the cycle of capitalism bullshit continues with the line growing longer and our collective patience wearing thinner than our collective sanity. Like, seriously. Can't you take your scratch-off addiction elsewhere, like by the sidewalk? Or maybe, invest in some self-control or common courtesy by buying your stupid goddamn tickets without people in the fucking line! But instead, we're stuck behind those dumbasses, watching as they fumble with their coins and debate whether to go for gold or double down on their losses. And for those lotto-lovers out there, you should scratch your tickets in the comfort of your own home and let the rest of us get on with our day without having to wait for your bullshit!
4 - 0
You Know What's Bullshit?!
Every election year, people get all up in arms in an attempt to back the political candidate of choice. For what? Politicians are useless bickering assholes. They accomplished nothing, adhered too strongly to their party lines, and their inability to compromise leave the rest of the country in a stalled state of unproductive stagnation. “But voting is important!” Well, some people agree, but being at a vote for change, or a vote for the same, the slow lumbering dinosaur, that is the political machine, shits out the same results every year. Nothing! “Well, it's the democrats' fault!” “Nah, nah, it's the republicans' fault!” Maybe, just maybe, it's our fault. We keep choosing the same failed candidates year after year, and their actions are a direct result of our votes. We chose these people. It's our fucking fault! So when it comes time to vote, don't think republican, nor democrat. Go independent. Fuck party lines. They're useless. The world is not black and white, so why the fuck should our political structure be? Fucking two-party system. It's like being forced to choose either Coke or Pepsi when all you want is water. And now you know why I don't vote nor get into politics at all. Because all that is bullshit!
5 - 2
You Know What's Bullshit?! Putting up with the bullies' abuse
Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. These archaic throwbacks really need a physical beatdown 10x worse than the ones they doled out on the daily basis. It's annoying to me to turn on the news, hearing about some random bully story about how some poor kid is getting abused by some genetic defect. There are a couple of ways one can deal with a bully. (Keep it in mind that I'm not gonna be held responsible for the advice I give you to put up with them. Let's begin.) The easiest thing to do is fight back. And no, I don't mean “throw a punch,” I mean a throw a fucking chair! Throw a desk or anything else that's not nailed to the floor! Fight dirty, punch 'em in the balls, beat 'em with your backpack, and throw 'em down a flight of stairs! The ends justify the means, so knock out a few teeth in the process. And be warned, you'll be dragged to the principals office after beating a fellow classmate with a desk, but make sure you clearly state “I was merely defending myself against continuous attacks perpetrated daily by this neanderthalic individual and had to resort to drastic measures because the learning institution I attend sat idle without intervention, allowing the routine beating I received to continue. I should sue you.” You may get weeks of detention, you may get a few months in jail depending on the severity of injuries, but either way, that asshole should think twice before pulling that kind of bullshit again. The downside of our evolved society is that bullying doesn't end in the schoolyard anymore. It continues on with social networks and any other idiotic virtual bullshit that engulfed our daily lives. In cases like this: Dude, ignore. Just use the ignore option. It's there for a reason. However, if the stupidity persists, get parents involved, call the police, or better yet, the FBI. Internet crimes are a federal offense. Get some info from your local authorities and see how your particular situation can be handled. The one thing a bully would fear is drunken parents beating the shit out of them because the cops showed up on their doorstep. For me, I wouldn't be too worried about being labeled a rat by your peers. If they're not gonna help you stand up to these dickheads, fuck them too. If they don't have your back, they can suck on your sack! That cool motto should be on a T-Shirt or something. Anyway, you're probably thinking “But I don't wanna ruin anyone's life cuz they're picking on me.” Why the fuck not? If they're gonna ruin your childhood, feel free to ruin their life. If you don't take a stand, you'd forever look back on your school years as a horrible bucket of emotional shit you'll have to carry around with you for the rest of your life. Press charges, prosecute, and wave goodbye to them if they get transferred to another school, or a correctional facility with shady priests. Fuck these guys. You don't have to necessarily use your fists, just use your brain. Never throw the first punch, always have a witness and aim for the fucking balls! If you kick them hard enough, there's a good chance of losing the ability to create another generation of genetically debased offspring. You'd be doing the world and all its future geeks and nerds a valuable service. I'd do the same and tell those bullies to fuck off and never pick on us again and say “that's bullshit.”
6 - 5
You Know What's Bullshit?! Customer reviews
I already talked about critics before, but this time, I'm gonna talk about the reviews. For those who don't know, I, like some people, have had a long history in retail employment. From record stores to movie theaters, to bookstores and supermarkets. There were a multitude of shitty retail some delved into, nearly to pay the bills. With all those, the one variable that makes me want to lose my shit are the customers. Rude, pushy-ass, self-entitled customers. Ya know, the type of demanding customers that want everything “immediately” no matter how unreasonable the request, they expect to do whatever the fuck it is “immediately!” No questions asked, and a smile on your face. And if you don't, you get that “Well, this is gonna be a one-star review” type of snide bullshit remark from them. So now, no matter how reasonable this fucker was, your business now has a poor review because of some insane, self-entitled douchebag. Here's what we all need to do, start reviewing the customers. Seriously, if you're a business out there and you're constantly being bombarded with retarded reviews from unreasonable dumbasses, start reviewing them. Take down their names, make some notes like:
“Fat lady was completely unreasonable and complained that the buffet ran out of lobster after she ate 13 lobster tails and 8 full chickens. Also smelled funny. 1 star. Would not serve again.”
Start doing that shit, post a fucking sign saying “We review you when you review us!” Customer service shouldn't be a one-way street. And I know a lot of people would say “Well, the customer is always right!” This type of bullshit comes from stupid assholes who never worked retail! The customer is rarely right, if ever! The customer is always fucking annoying, demanding and is generally rude! They treat employees like plebeian servants as if they're just nameless figures beneath them, nearly there to wait on them hand and foot. And no, retail shouldn't be like this. It should be an even exchange of money for service, and respect for respect. That's it. Unless you're going to some place that literally says they will make you feel like a king or queen, you have no fucking right to shit on those working hard to help your ass out. Electronics, sporting goods, food services and so on. Whatever the job is, whatever the instance, stop being a dick to people working these jobs! They don't get paid nearly enough to put up with your bullshit! Jesus. I bagged my own groceries at the supermarket because I want a bag-boy/girl three minutes to chill the fuck out.
“Man bags his own groceries and makes pleasant small talk. Very understanding to the plight of underpaid grocery workers. Even returns shopping cart to the cart corral. 5 stars. A pleasure.”
Difficult? Fuck no. I just think people have become so accustomed to being served that they never think about what it's like to be a server. It's hard work, and they don't need additional attitudes piled onto their already stressful, underpaid workload. “But that's their job. That's what they get paid for.” With that in mind, let me show up to your place of work and be an unreasonable dickhead cuz I can be the best of them. Work at an office? No problemo.
“Did not care for the office stapler. They were all red, a rather aggressive color, creating a very uncomfortable atmosphere for me. Will not visit again until all staplers are removed. 1 star.”
Jewelry dealer? Let's fucking go!
“Gems were just as flawed as the service rep's personality. A lackluster display of both customer service and collection of so-called 'jewelry.' 1 star.”
Banker!
“Bank just seemed to be concerned with taking my money. No practical information was given to me and I did not care for the aggressive sales tactic of a Wall Street criminal in-training. 1 star.”
I could go on forever. No matter what ya do for a living, never feel it's more important than what others do. We're all part of a big machine just trying to roll on. Your dumbass demands and one-star reviews don’t help cutting the tension we're all feeling these days. Chill, relax. Just treat people how you'd like to be treated, unless they're total pieces of shit. One-star that shit. Please.
“Asshole customers being dicks to those who worked hard in retail jobs. 0-stars. That's not just bullshit. That's fucking bullshit!!”
3 - 0
You Know What's Bullshit?! Being spoiled on Christmas.
Every year there's a Christmas, and recently every year, it's followed by a slew of spoiled jackasses using social media bitching and complaining about the gifts they received on Christmas morning. “I can't believe my mom didn't get me the newest iPhone! She knew I wanted an iPhone, and all I got was the Samsung Galaxy! She's such a bitch!” Bruh, you just got a $400 phone, which your parents are paying a monthly bill for, and you have the nerve to tweet complaining about it using that same phone you just fucking got! For real?! Frankly, if I was a parent of a spoiled cunt like that, I'd just take that phone right back to the store where I got it and come back with a lame-ass flip phone from the turn of the century. Here you go, you spoiled prick. Text on that! And ya know, it doesn't just start and stop with phones. There are also clothes, toys, video games, gaming consoles, and cars. People are complaining about getting the wrong fucking colored car! “I wanted my Mini Cooper in red, and they got me yellow! I hate my parents!” Dude, you got a fucking car for Christmas! Some people have to take the fucking bus! Which is exactly what I'll be making this brat do from now on. Here’s a bus pass, ya dick. Have fun sitting in the back with the angry gang of teens using a retro ghetto blaster to annoy the seniors for the next year, you fucking dumbass! And I really get that you expect one thing and got another, and it's disappointing. I really do, but seriously, save the complaints for the ugly sweater, complain about the toe socks you just find weird and impractical, complain about the eggnog with lack of alcohol content, but when it comes to $400 phones, $20,000 cars, and anything over $50, keep your fucking mouth shut. I don't wanna hear some whining and complaining cuz they got the wrong phone, wrong gaming console, or the wrong fucking colored car. It's free for ya, and you have no right to complain about it. And if you don't want whatever you got, send it to my mail, cuz I can either use it or donate it to someone who can. And hey, have you ever wondered why your parents get you shit for Christmas? It's because Santa already knows you're a whiny little bitch and decided long ago to stop showing up to your fucking house when you complained about getting the wrong fucking thing when you're 6 years old. Okay? Santa hates you, and your parents are trying to keep up tradition so you don't feel like shit. Just be thankful that they didn't tossed you in the dumpster with a bullet in your head. Merry Christmas. Happy Holidays. (If you have a problem with “Happy Holidays” or “Merry Christmas,” then Happy Shut The Fuck Up!) Hope you celebrate your days in December not to deal with bullshit!
5 - 2
You Know What's Bullshit?!
Any time I go out of the house and come across some newly cursed parent, all I hear is about “how awesome their child is” and “how great it is to be a parent.” Let me set you straight, new parents are like, victims of the pod people. Prior to the invasion, they all had interests, could laugh at crude humor, liked games, had friends, and it took a lot to offend them. Then, seemingly overnight, while they're asleep. This new creature bursts out of its host and eats up their individuality and sense of humor! Leaving behind that new baby smell. Which frankly, if you're not the parent that reeks of vomit and shit. And the empty shells of formally cool people. So, my question is… Why? What happens to the individual that alters the minds of these once interesting individuals. Where once they would discuss the existential possibility of time and space displacement. Now they talk about baby rashes and how their devil spawn spits up their food in the cutest of ways. Are you fucking serious? Just cuz you have a kid, that doesn’t mean you have to stop playing games, stop reading weird-ass magazines, stop having an interest in games, music, movies and so on! It doesn't mean your hobbies are now invalid, it doesn't mean you have to stop laughing at crude humor or sexual content, and your personal growth doesn't come to a screeching halt just cuz you now have a kid! Regardless of the “new edition” to your family, you are an individual! “Well you don't have kids, so you don't understand.” The fuck I don't. I understand perfectly. And being on the outside of all this newborn bullshit, I can see things I lot clearer than you can with your diaper covered eyes! But now it's all about the child. And the worst part is that they try to get you to give a shit and curb your sense of humor around the baby. For example: You try to tell an offensive joke, but, “Oh don't say that! There's a baby here!” Fuck the baby, dude. Like the kid is never gonna hear some cussing. It's pretty much all they're gonna be doing for the rest of their lives, asshole. And there's no way in hell that I’m gonna censor myself because you forgot to use a condom. That's what condoms are, genetic censoring. If you're not gonna censor yourself, neither am I. And the best thing to do is call these motherfuckers out in front of their kids no matter how old they are. Cuz they'll argue with you while setting a “good example” for their child by using soft language.”
Parent: Well, you're just a… uhh… silly poopy head and I think you're being totally unreasonable.
Me: (sarcastically) Oh yeah, that sure changed my mind, buddy. Glad you enlightened me.
Parent: Well, I don't think I need to swear around a child to make my point clear.
Me: No you don't, but I bet right now you wish you could. Go fuck yourself and take your puke pod with ya. And next time there's a get together, find a fucking babysitter.
And they get all pissy.
Parent: (enraged) You wanna take this outside?!
Me: Nah, I'm good. But if you really need a breath of fresh air, make sure you take your putrid loin seed with ya. Thanks for stopping by.
If things escalate and you get punched in the face, let them beat the shit out of you, then call the cops, press charges, and make sure that he/she/they get put in jail so that their kid can grow up without a parent for a while. I know it's cruel, but it at least saves you from stupidity and bullshit!
3 - 0
You Know What's Bullshit?! Mic Checks in Online Gaming
Don't get me wrong. Gaming online is fun and interactive, but there's always some assholes that has no concept of how to work their gaming consoles or gaming PCs. For example, a mic. No matter what I play, there's always this jackass that goes “Yo, anybody got a mic? Can you hear me?,” that goes on for five minutes until some fucker turns on their mic and screams until their ears bleed like
“WE ALL HAVE MICS! SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU DICK! NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR YOU! SHUT UP!”
Now you have a perpetual ringing in your ears loud enough to drown out the frag grenades in your game, and you're considering suing that asshole for blowing out your subwoofer. Thanks to these fuckheads, other gamers have to find players elsewhere, and unfortunately for you, the game's already started and you're running on the battlefield with these two teammates who just started a lifelong hatred for each other. As the game drags on, you notice your team is slowly gaining additional players, all of whom have no idea that their mics have been left on.
Kid: Dad. Dad.
Dad: (playing online) What?
Kid: I want chocolate milk.
Dad: Well, okay. After this game.
Kid: Dad. Dad. I want chocolate milk.
Dad: In a little while, hold on.
Kid: I want chocolate milk.
Dad: Go to your room, man! Go to your room!
Then all of the sudden, a blaring tantrum of childhood bullshit claims the airwaves, throwing everyone off their game and causing people to die off left and right, all because that slack-ass stay-at-home dad couldn't get their kid some fucking chocolate milk! All of this could've been avoided if they all put their mics on mute. And if I have to sit through a background family dinner with antisocial Jimmy being yelled at by his cunt of a mother because he's been playing games all day, I'm gonna go fucking insane! Turn off your mics unless you have something important to say! And being a trash talking troll doesn't count as important, and I don't care if you're a major league gamer. Just cuz you play a game very well, that doesn't give you a right to be an asshole! Stop it! Your career will be over before you know it, and you'll just be an out-of-work deadbeat bitch parent wishing your kid can get their own fucking chocolate milk! And now you know why I usually stick to single player campaign. Because it's bullshit!
2 - 0
You Know What's Bullshit?! Comments
More specifically, the insipid comments about topics they know nothing about nor do they bother to read. Every time I read a news article that's fucking dumb enough to allow people to post a comment, all ya see is page after page of people who read the headline only and decided to write out a whole rant based on the one sentence they actually read. More often than not, when a few people read the comments, they have to reply: “Hey, taint licker! You didn't read the whole article, and every complaint, loophole, or technicality you feel the need to bitch about has been resolved in said article! Spend less time trying to blow yourself and finish reading the story! Then, you can write a response! PS, your mom fucking hates you!” As a rule, one should not start posting comments based on a knee-jerk reaction to a headline. For example: “Newsflash! Mimes Destroy Conceptual Art!”
“How dare you say mimes destroy conceptual art! Being a mime takes a particular set of skills that the writer of this article clearly doesn't understand. His inability to grasp the subtle nuances of the mime arts makes him an ignorant man and thus renders his opinions moot on the topic.”
Of course, the shithead didn't finish reading the article, which was really about a group of mimes who have raided a modern art museum and destroyed a conceptual art installation. So now we all have to sift through thirty goddamn pages of unwarranted anger just to find the one comment that would add insight to the story. And that rarely happens. Just cuz you can post, doesn't mean you should. Think before you write. Read the article entirely, and then take the time to formulate an informed response. Read. Write. Post. In that order. Nothing else. Otherwise, your words equate to nothing but mostly prime-cut free-range Grade-B bullshit.
1 - 1
25 March 2014