For childhood trauma survivors, we often can be wired for extremes in many things, including conflict. This is true, especially before we do any work on ourselves. We were set up to not know how to do conflict and intimacy.
Some of us have inner children that can't tolerate being wrong, so we argue, defend, get the last word, get nasty or superior. This is aggressive.
Some of us have inner children that take in all the responsibility of conflict and never defend ourselves because it's probably us. Even if we are right, we'll still take blame. This is sneaky.
Both are strategies from growing up in abuse that are rooted in shame.
It's interesting how shame causes various defensive behaviors, as one would only think of it as the constant "I'm bad and always wrong" response to life, but shame is just about trying NOT to be seen a certain way.
I wonder if "always wrongs" are just trying to not be like the "never wrongs" that they were abused by, and the reverse can be true as well.
In conflict - always and never - isn't real. It's not human. It's a mess to be doing intimacy with either strategy, and also immature and ineffective.
Healing these conflict strategies involve being willing to be more vulnerable to not go there always or never, and working with our inner child to become more secure.
Here are healing goals for both strategies:
(Never) Realize that you're not in danger if you're wrong or having a part (you probably do just by having this thing going on), and recognizing the damage you do in your relationships (disconnection and difficulty). What's so threatening about being the problem? (Shame)
(Always) Realize that you're not in danger if you push back because owning everything is a way to sabotage intimacy because you're forcing the issues away. What's so threatening to you if you seem a little unlikable in the moment? (Shame)
Working on these will be messy and not graceful, but practice anyway.
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
➡️ linktr.ee/patrickteahan
#childhoodtrauma #innerchild #conflict #intimacy
For those with childhood trauma, their past is living within them and usually, they want nothing to do with it, but there it is.
Survivors don't spend time dwelling on or living in abuse. Ironically, we put a lot of energy, if not all, into suppressing and forgetting as best we can.
It should be thought of more like the abuse won't let the survivor go, rather than the survivor making a big decision to move on from it.
That phrase or idea doesn't work. And survivors don't long for body memories, flashbacks or breakdowns at work. They're just trying to get through their week.
Until our past is witnessed, shared, processed and healed, which takes time, money and energy, it will manifest in most of our daily lives. It will pop up in everything, from our thoughts about ourselves in the morning, to how we engage with others.
The phrase "You're living in the past." implies choice to which the survivor didn't have in childhood and doesn't have in the present. It also dismisses horrifying things that children go through and then are later blamed for. It's a very shaming phrase, usually said while the survivor is trying to process.
Snapping fingers or clicking our heels and telling ourselves that we dismiss or forgive what our family systems did, and we'll be different from now on and stop being affected by the emotional, physical and sexual abuse is bullshit.
They would have done so if it worked like that.
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
➡️ linktr.ee/patrickteahan
#victimshaming #childhoodtrauma #innerchild #toxicfamily #toxicpositivity
Some survivors grow up in tricky families where the abuse is quiet and subverted.
And some grow up in families where the parents can't manage their emotions and cause damage to a child's development because a dysregulated adult is terrifying.
Some examples:
-rage fits, verbal abuse and throwing objects/destruction
-locking oneself in a room, threatening self harm
-uncontrolled physical abuse of children
-alcoholic or substance abuse intoxicated episodes and black-outs
-sobbing and screaming children with children present
-verbal and physical fights between adults inside and outside the family
While these situations cause anyone present to go into survival mode and leave their bodies (especially children) what I feel is more damaging is the following factors:
-not talking about the meltdowns in real and honest ways
-the other adults being complicit and ignoring what happened
-the other adults not using their power to set boundaries, seek resources and protect children (they have power and kids don't)
-not engaging in any of the above and therefore normalizing being abusive and dysregulated
At best siblings can privately say to each other, "dad's losing it about your bike, don't come home," or "mom's trashing the house again," but beyond that, they have to just wait for a storm to pass and move on to Wednesday and get through that too.
Survivors leave such homes vulnerable to similar situations because during their first twenty years of life, they've never seen healthy action and accountability for how a toxic parent behaves around children that they are responsible for in keeping safe and emotionally happy and healthy.
This post is focused on what the children experienced, not the dysregulated parent or partner. Yes, everyone could benefit from resources, but the focus here is what it was like to grow up in such environments and have the behavior be normalized by the other adults.
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
➡️ linktr.ee/patrickteahan
#childhoodtrauma #innerchild #accountability #toxicfamilytest #alcoholicparent #toxicfamilyawareness
These are examples of the type of dialogue we need to have with our inner child.⠀
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Notice how all three examples have an element of shame in them.⠀
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Children who are abused grow into adults who struggle with shame.
I know you guys get this, but how does the shame manifest in you? ⠀
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First statement - some of us start fights because we don't know how to do healthy conflict or intimacy. Shame comes from the situation and/or the hangover after. 😡🤢⠀
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2nd statement - some of us have a strong belief that we are responsible for and/or cause other ppl's upset - just like childhood with our parents
moods😒😞😖- (shame).⠀
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3rd statement - some of us, (a lot of us) overly take fault or blame, even when it's made up in our head a lot of the time. Shame about existing or burdening others, just like childhood. 😳⠀
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The way out is finding our adult and getting that adult to practice these self boundaries and not act out from our childhood beliefs 💪🙅🏽♀️🙅♀️🙅🏾♂️🙅♂️🤱🏼🤱🏽⠀
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P.S. it doesn’t mean that your present situation isn’t unhealthy or not hard
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
➡️ linktr.ee/patrickteahan
#trauma #boundaries #narcissisticabuse #innerchildhealing #childhoodtrauma
My anxiety mellowed out as a teen. I had found pot (thankfully) but that would become a problem later.
When we don't grow up in safety, we find ways to hide our normal trauma reactions to our abnormal home life. Never letting someone see the "ick".
I could adopt a chill, soft, aloof, and passive way to be in the world. But as much as that worked for a while, it didn't erase the symptoms, history or the stuckness. The way we hide isn't so deep. We can get by, but in relationships, it gets tested. I tell clients that our trauma always comes out sideways when we are busy keeping it at bay. Some people can see through it.
Becoming authentic in therapy resulted in me just being one consistent person. What I'm like with friends is what I'm like with clients. What you see in videos is what my family sees. I feel grateful for that. I used to always adapt and become the chameleon, which never felt honest, but it's what one does when we don't know ourselves to be our self or know that it’s safe to do.
And yes, in society we do need to have different ways to be like work mode, but that's not what this post is about. It's about how childhood trauma leaves us adopting ways of being while hiding our abused self, with our real self underneath that.
So which Muppet's were you?
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
➡️ linktr.ee/patrickteahan
#childhoodtrauma #identify #authenticity #chameleon #innerchild #intimacy #falseself
Even google docs won't recognize C-PTSD (smh)
C'mon now... anyone else not want to recognize it? I was just minding my own business and google was like...NOPE (haha)
#C-PTSD #apa #google
A reframe.
By the time a childhood trauma survivor gets to the point of going no contact, they've already been in a continued lifelong process of lowering their expectations of having a healthy connection to fathers, mothers and siblings.
We know they are not going to respect us - we tried.
We know they are not going to see us - we tried.
We know they are going to choose the most abusive person over a relationship with us - we tried.
We know they are going to say, "I knew you'd do this."
What gets lost on the toxic family is our reasons for going no contact.
-that we value respect of others, including ourselves
-that we want honesty, empowerment, love and support in our families
-that we believe in raising terror and shame-free children
-that we believe in maturity and accountability vs BS and drama
-that we believe in autonomy of self and body
-that we believe in relationships that are mutually satisfying
-that we believe in hard emotional work vs being miserable or stuck
The audacity of a family to demonize someone leaving to go and try to cultivate these things for themselves, their children and their relationships.
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
➡️ linktr.ee/patrickteahan
#audacity #childhoodtrauma #goingnocontact #innerchild #toxicfamily
Something my mentor Amanda Curtin LICSW @amandacurtinrrp would say all the way through doing childhood trauma work with clients.
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Most inner child work is actually about getting a stronger adult in place so that we can nurture, re-parent our inner child and live a less reactive and messy life. The adult does all the work and the inner child watches someone finally take care of them.
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Therefore, the inner adult is the expert on things like: ⠀
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*how our boss is just a person in our life, not the ultimate authority on who we are
*that it is safe now to take more risks and handle such risks, like asking for better intimacy
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*knowing that our triggers aren't correctly sized for the present
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*asking questions even if it causes anxiety (handling life in an empowered way)
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*who is safe and who isn't
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*how to read people's emotions and intentions better (not from our childhood trauma narrative)
*the adult is an expert on knowing the inner child is active and in need
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And the inner child is the expert on: ⠀
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*what it was like growing up (the emotional data from family)
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*how people in childhood made us feel unsafe (attachments)⠀
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*how we decided to cope the way we do (surviving it and why)
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*how we got our needs met or survived (navigating toxic people)
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*what we believed about ourselves and others (believing the lies)
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The inner child is not an expert on things like our dating life - that would be disastrous and often is : )
Getting a strong adult in place is a process in the beginning of childhood trauma work that is about not letting our inner child look at the present through the lens of childhood. They are not bad in any way for doing that, it's just how this stuff works. This process has a lot of starts and stops. Most of us, including myself, are in our inner child 24/7.
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
➡️ linktr.ee/patrickteahan
#childhoodtrauma⠀#innerchild⠀#healing⠀#reparenting #trauma⠀#therapy
We all start here, I believe.
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"I don't know if it was that bad..."
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That question bridges our inner feelings of knowing something was up, but we tend to confuse ourselves for not having the following factors to guide us:
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We don't have a frame of reference about a healthy family system - only hints.
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We don't have specific help to guide us through figuring out what is abuse.
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We don't have the family we grew up being real or honest about what the family is really like.
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We don't have the support to go through the dark period of admitting to ourselves that we weren't safe as children.
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But you can ask yourself, would you put a child through what you went through? Your answer may be what you need to start your recovery.
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What do you think?
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
➡️ linktr.ee/patrickteahan
#childhoodtrauma #trauma #narcissisticabuse #healing #recovery #innerchild
When we get stuck not trusting our built-in compass, our inner child runs us on self-doubt and codependency. 🔗⠀
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Examples:⠀
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⚠️NOT trusting red flags 🚩in dating because we don't want to be mean or alone or judgy; ⠀
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"I'm probably wrong or mean about them being so late all the time."🏳️⠀
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⚠️NOT setting boundaries or addressing conflict because;⠀
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"what if I'm wrong…and I'm just being a pain, and it probably isn't as big of a deal as I'm making it out to be…"🏳️⠀
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⚠️NOT getting out of situations that no longer serve us; ⠀
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"They're probably right... I can't do better than this."🏳️⠀
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We can overcome self-doubt by spending time looking at our childhoods and find concrete specific examples when the adults were abusive about reality and rewrite them.🔍⠀
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1) "It's your fault I'm feeling this way." 🏳️-WEAPONIZED SHAME AND BLAME🖋⠀
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2) "We're a normal, loving family." 🏳️…WHEN IT'S TOXIC AND DYSFUNCTIONAL
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3) "Your mother loves you...you're just so difficult."🏳️- TURN THE VICTIM INTO THE ABUSER🖋⠀
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As kids, we have to surrender to our parent's lack of reality because they have all the power.⠀
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Let's correct those three.⠀
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1) "It's your fault I'm feeling this way."⠀
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I'm shaming you about my own shitty feelings to gain power and sympathy. 🖊🏷⠀
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2) "We're a normal, loving family."⠀
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I'm denying and minimizing dysfunction and not using my power to fix things for the kids. 🖋🏷⠀
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3) "Your mother loves you...you're just so difficult."⠀
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I'm making you into the problem, not protecting you, and not addressing how abusive your mother is because I'm a coward. 🖋🏷⠀
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It is very powerful to start calling things for what they are in our present lives, but we can't do that until we start calling out the abuse for what it was in our childhood. ⠀
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Imagine trusting yourself and your amazing built-in intuition. 💫😊⠀
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Clients tell me they don't have a compass, but that's not true.
They have one and they just need help trusting it. 🧭⠀
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
➡️ linktr.ee/patrickteahan
#gaslighting⠀#intuition⠀#childhood trauma #healing⠀#trauma⠀#toxicparents⠀
Hi! I'm Patrick.
I'm a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker and a childhood trauma specialist. I run a private practice and love educating and discussing the dysfunctional family system and recovery.
**PLEASE READ**
My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client or physician or quasi-physician relationship.
If you are, or someone you know, is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
➡️ linktr.ee/patrickteahan