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What did your parents say and do about your choices, decisions, or disagreements? What SHOULD they have done?
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Printable Course now available on:
Patreon: www.patreon.com/c/kirstenalberts/shop
Etsy: www.etsy.com/shop/KirstenAlbertsCourse
No Contact is not a Resort. It is a Result.
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NOT WHAT. SHOULD.
Stop focusing on WHAT happened. Focus on what SHOULD have happened.
WHAT happened adds more bullshit and FOGS your mind: We try to defend their behaviour, justify their actions, honour their perspective, ruminate on their reasons, and spend more time on damage control, than on living.
What SHOULD have happened cuts the bullshit and CLEARS your mind: We don’t just realise how easily the problems could have been solved, we realise how cruelly and ridiculously unnecessary they were in the first place.
EXAMPLE:
WHAT HAPPENED:
ME: Mom, please don’t give my child ice-cream. She is allergic. But you can give her *alternate treat* instead.
MOM: I just want to spoil her. You never do! You’re just being petty. Why are you always so unreasonable? *wails in narcissist*
ADDING BULLSHIT: All grandparents spoil their grandchildren. Mom just doesn’t understand the dangers of allergies. It’s a generational thing. She never had treats growing up. I should be more sympathetic. I need to find a way to keep my mom from feeling attacked, and keep my child safe.
RESULTANT BULLSHIT: The mother smugly hands out ice-cream behind her daughter’s back. The child is sick, and the daughter is distraught.
WHAT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED:
ME: Mom, please don’t give my child ice-cream. She is allergic.
MOM: No problem. I’m sure she’ll love these *alternate treats*.
NO BULLSHIT: No ruminating. No defending the indefensible. No damage control.
EX0RCISE:
Get a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle.
In the 1st column, write down what happened when you addressed a problem with a parent. What did your parent say and do about it?
In the 2nd column, write down what your parent SHOULD have said or done about it.
The comparison won’t just reveal a parent who adds pain to every problem – it reveals a parent who will needlessly, unnecessarily, yet determinedly add problems to every situation. Unnecessary and fictional problems have no solutions, but a toxic parent will keep you stuck trying to find them forever, if you let them.
What SHOULD YOUR parent have said and done about your choices, decisions, interests, problems, appearance, career, partner, home, or children?
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This is not the behaviour of people who are “sad” and wish to “reconcile”.
This is the behaviour of people who are OUTRAGED and wish to RETALIATE.
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Send an email to info@kirstenalberts.co.za with your time zone. Spaces are limited.
See you soon
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17 September 2023