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THE POWER OF RECREATIONAL TALKING
Recreational talking is not just blabber. It is made up of openness, curiosity, presence, and unconditional love.
It would be a mistake to regard recreational talking as empty rambling, sofa philosophy or an instance of random debating at a social gathering. In my opinion, it has nothing to do with the kinds of conversation abovementioned. Recreational talking does not require that participants dive into their pockets to dredge up long-held opinions or retell latest news. Instead, it is a way of sharing love and serving each other in the highest form.
By writing this post, I imagine myself being involved in such an act of recreational talking. I am honoured to have this conversation with you. My hope is that the outcome of such forms of dialogue should be elation, bliss and deeper connection. If I could ask you to think back to conversations you have had recently, how many of them left you feeling this way? How many of them left you drained, although you may have felt your opinion was defended? Perhaps you were even able to convince the one you were talking to of your viewpoint. The question is: how healed did you feel when it ended?
I have come to realise from experience that conversations can be healing. Even more than that, I would say it is helpful to learn how to have a healing conversation both in our romantic and fraternal relationships. It is equally possible to have a recreational conversation with a stranger. Ideally, in a world where so many of us have been socialised into believing we are small and unworthy, I believe every conversation should become a healing conversation.
Understanding the basics of recreational, or healing, conversations is crucial if we want to heal ourselves and others. Let me take you through the building blocks of recreational talking. As I have mentioned, recreational talking consists of openness, curiosity, presence, and unconditional love.
Openness
Openness is a state that we hold in the presence of another, characterized by our ability to explore the unknown. Most conversations people hold habitually are draining due to the tendency to defend our views. Consequently, it is nearly impossible to feel open when we are obsessed with proving to others (and ourselves) that we are right at any cost. Openness calls for a heart-centred way of conversing. It suggests we should be able to be vulnerable and courageous enough to see what happens if we are. If one is open, nothing can hurt them. Just like the space in a room you are sitting in, it can’t be hurt by whatever objects, thoughts or words enter it. Exploration can only start from a place of not-knowing, and not-knowing is a facet of openness.
Curiosity
Everyone’s experience is different. Being an English teacher, I’ve had an honour to have conversations with people from all walks of life, young and old, sharing all kind of views on reality. The interesting thing is that all their experiences, not unlike ingredients coming together to create unique cocktails, were all mixed into their perspectives, which were so captivating for me to explore. Surprisingly, the most interesting things about us are often not the ones we think others might find exciting about us. For example, I like learning if my students can see well in their dreams despite the fact that in their waking state, they are short-sighted. It’s wondrous to me what flavours of coffee syrup they associate with what kinds of experiences and what they did when their first primary tooth came out. Trivial questions like these often elicit the most endearing responses.
Presence
While being open and curious is important, being present is even more conducive to recreational dialoguing. When I was younger, I was so willing to impress others with my wit that I often constructed cheeky responses while they were speaking, only to gatecrash the conversation with an obscure joke when the subject had already been changed. Such participation was severely self-oriented and took no concern of being present for the other person’s experience. Dropping the filter of me needing to be seen in a specific way to validate something about myself that I thought deserved validation was a critical step in learning how to be present with other people. When we are present, we can hold space for other people’s experiences as they are, without needing to change them. As we have seen with curiosity, everybody’s perspective is different. I remember being a huge fan of autumn leaves. I have always been able to feel into nature’s energies very acutely, so it was natural to me that I wanted to convey my experience to others. I was surprised (and sometimes even appalled) to find out the people I talked with seemed to be unable to grasp the depth of my affection for fallen foliage. It was not due to their inability to process the beauty of nature – rather, it was the unique wiring of their minds that allowed certain experiences to come through with the exquisite brightness, whereas other perceptions were relatively dull and did not spark much elation in them. How surprised am I every time to discover that my husband Vitalii’s heart gets ignited by workbenches and factory machines just as much as mine does when I am strolling in an autumn park!
Unconditional love
Early in our life paths, many of us learnt that love was a currency we had to deserve before it was given to us. Longing for the connection we came here to experience, we learnt to insist that love should be given to us, often resorting to manipulation and unconscious behaviour. It is due to this belief that love must be limited and therefore should be deserved that we have put a counter on our heart, reserving our love for only the special moments and special people. But what if all this time, it was only our hurt way of thinking that made us buy into the paradigm of love as a currency, keeping ourselves from the truth of the infinite unconditional love, which is also the highest truth of the universe? Every experience is a manifestation of the divine unity, known as the quantum field, consciousness, no-self or God. Equipped with this understanding, there is no way of perceiving the one we are talking with other than as a manifestation of the divine, which they are. Every word they say and every gesture they make pour out straight from the divine. Every conversation is an opportunity to acknowledge the divine in the other and treat them accordingly.
As you can see, every conversation holds the potential of turning into recreational. Simply think about the word “re-creation” as an alchemic creation of something new out of something that has already been created and cognised, and the meaning of the word becomes glaringly clear.
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It makes perfect sense to ask our learners what state of mind they are currently experiencing. We could talk about their state relative to our subject or their life experience in general at this stage of their being. We could set this up in many forms, including a whole-group discussion, homework or in-lesson letter, quick chat with a partner/teacher at the beginning of a lesson, brief self-reflection and quiet acknowledgement, and so on. Some students, especially if we are teaching in a group setting, may feel reluctant to voice products of their inner discovery, and that must be respected.
After the learners are clear on the state they are currently in, ask them: Would you like to feel different now? It’s critical that we accept our learners’ experience as it is and do not force them into the state of motivation, unless they feel like creating it first-hand. We may tinker with lesson dynamics and introduce a fun game, but we should not demand, albeit subliminally, that our students change their state as a result of this activity. Nor should we feel discouraged after the lesson, when we assess our own progress - the change of state was not our goal in the first place.
As a final stage, ask your learners to do the following mental experiment: think back to a time when they were so immersed into something that they could barely make themselves stand up and visit the fridge. Most people have an experience of being completely engrossed in something. Ask the learners to elicit that state within themselves at this moment. Encourage them to feel it fully. Allow them to soak in it.
Now each student has to answer the following questions:
1. What feeling-ingredients does this state consist of? (Break your enthusiasm into components: everyone’s recipe for enthusiasm will be slightly different.)
2. Why am I feeling like that doing this? (Answers might vary from: “Because it’s just interesting” to “I don’t know” - which is fine. There is no need to strip our being off its mystery.)
3. How is the doing of this activity different from doing what we’re doing in class? (It’s crucial that you, being in the teaching position, not take responses personally. If your students feel you are after certain responses, they will likely misrepresent the truth.)
It’s almost guaranteed that when people feel allowed to express themselves safely, they will open up and feel relieved to some degree. To facilitate further progress, you may be completely honest with your students and let them know that your goal is not to make them start loving your subject - you just want to help them become more conscious of their inner truth in relation to the subject. Let them know you don’t expect them to feel motivated if they are not. Simply meet them where they are, and you will notice how much more open their minds will become.
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Are English lessons not therapy?
If by therapy we refer to a session with a professional counsellor, who we have asked to help us deal with a specific mental condition, then the answer is obviously no. However, if by therapy we mean a healing experience with a focus on expanded awareness and integration, then by all means yes.
Not only English lessons, but every experience we have can be therapeutic. Once we learn to view all experiences through the lens “how can this make me heal”, our life experience will become more enjoyable.
The reason some of my English teacher colleagues prefer to stay away from “deep conversations” is that the latter can be viewed as interrogation or unnecessary questioning, which is not allegedly conducive to the primary goal of a learner’s linguistic development. Obviously, we may worry that such “interrogation” may put a student off and they will go search for someone “less intrusive”. However, if we set out to define the main reason behind the high levels of distress in relationships, most of that will be connected with a lack of safety.
Since we have all been through experiences where our inner truth was violated, it is legitimate that whether we realise it or not, to a certain degree we do fear other people. We do not want to open up because we do not feel it would be safe to do so. This fear compels us to under-express our truth, misrepresent it or stay away from speaking out our heart whatsoever.
In fact, what is problematic in our current-day society is not oversharing. It is undersharing.
But, we cannot heal from distress if we stay away from authentic communication. By adjusting our inner truth, or pretending it is not even there we do NOT create a safer world – we create a lonely world.
Most people living on planet Earth were wounded when they were very young – and due to the inability of their close adults to help create a healthy resolution for their emotions, most of us have been walking through life protecting our vulnerability by NOT trusting others. But if we keep moving on in this direction, where every human is encouraged to keep their emotions inside, feeling it is unsafe to share, everywhere, all the time, except for the safe space of a therapist’s office, we will miss plenty of healing opportunities, and it might take us longer to get to the point when we are able to enjoy ourselves fully.
It may be difficult for many of us to open up and feel safe to share ourselves with others fully. There is a reason for that – there was a time when our authentic being got rejected, and that experience was painful enough to make us seek its prevention.
To heal from trauma, we need to experience the opposite of what we experienced when the trauma occurred in the first place. So, to heal from rejection means to experience unconditional acceptance.
I actually find that English (and all language teachers) are in a good position to help people experience safety in relationships because we are involved in pretty constant interaction with our students. By helping learners see they are welcome to share without painful consequences of criticism of their inner truth and rejection, and that we teachers are accepting their presence as it is, we’ll be able to create an environment of emotional safety – which is indispensable for a healthy development of a human being.
Unconditional acceptance cannot be faked. It is created by the non-judgmental and welcoming presence, authentic listening (see more on my Youtube channel for authentic listening tips) and mutual empowerment. Learning that must become a prerequisite for educators, coming before the number of certificates and years of experience.
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My love goes to all parents whose children are crossing this school year's threshold for the first time - or again.
There is a distinct feeling of perfection with regards to our children we all experience when this time of the year comes.
I am watching some kids carrying bunches and bouquets of flowers floating past my window right now. Many students are wearing ribbons and brand new designer suits, white-collar ironed shirts or traditional clothing. Some of them are not wearing any of that at all, except for a parent's caring hand on their shoulder. There are ones who don't even have that, but the excitement for new beginnings.
Let us stop sharing the diminishing belief that school means hell and is a place to hate and ridicule. It's our experiences and our parents' experiences that have informed this perception, and we continue to broadcast them to our children. One way to make education better as a rule of thumb is to change this destructive belief that we hold and view school as a temple of Curiosity.
#psychology #backtoschool
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--- A shift in Ukrainian education.
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There's been a critical shift in how parents view information that is being taught to their children by mainstream institutions. There still remains a great deal of inappropriacy in how some parents treat school staff, demanding that school teachers invest more time in developing a personalised approach for their individual child, whereas completely disregarding the teachers' inadequate working conditions.
Having said that, I have observed a large number of parents who have purposefully opted into conscious responsibility for their children's development. Those kids, who do come from such families, are bright, creative and masterful thinkers, able to identify their own boundaries as well as driven by a clear sense of purpose.
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Check out my latest video on exam writing tips: a super practical one this time! Highly recommended to anyone who has been planning on sitting their IELTS, CAE or CPE test!
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Минутка психологии. Друзья, а вы знаете, что у меня есть блог? Мои русскоязычные статьи о психологии уже больше трех лет публикуются на сайте Psy-Practice. Я пишу о том, как найти свое призвание в жизни, принять себя и подружиться со своими эмоциями. Буду рада приветствовать вас в нашей светлой обители психологии счастья.
psy-practice.com/Liliya_Kardenas/
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A heartfelt hi to fellow autumn fans out there! Our favourite season is coming.
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Hello friends! Wherever you are, just remember this to keep mental clarity and stay blessed going about your business throughout the day:
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A few days ago I posted a Facebook suggestion for my friends&followers to submit their questions related to teaching English. Dozens of amazing questions have come up! I've already edited the video and I'm going to post it up in some hours. So excited to share it with you! Stay tuned!
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I love people and teach English in a way that reflects that.