Welcoem to posts!!
in the future - u will be able to do some more stuff here,,,!! like pat catgirl- i mean um yeah... for now u can only see others's posts :c
Where have I been for the last like 2.5 years?
In short, adulting. Working, paying bills and trying to survive in a world I don't think I was made for.
Long version?
(Very long. Tw: 18+ content spoke about. Not shown or anything, just mentioned a lot at the end.)
I failed my last year of college. Don't have money to go back cause i was running on loans as it was. Had to move back in with my parents, didn’t stay long, though. Love them to death, but I can't live with them anymore. Eighteen years was pushing it for me, I hated it. As soon as we could me and my fiance and I got an apartment and job. That's where we are still. With the addition of a small cat named Lilith to our tiny family.
I work full-time hours as a part-time worker. So I have 40 hours a week to just sit alone in my head. I've had to force myself to grow up cause my mentality hadn't changed since being a kid. It didn't need to till then. I've finally been able to finally understand that I have a lot of unresolved trauma that's affected how I act now and in the past.
I've tried so hard to understand who am I as a person and be better. I have such a bad memory that it's hard to remember things anymore. The things I do remember I try to forget, but ik I can't just keep pushing them down forever. My brain just feels like ste static on a tube TV. It's fuzzy, and I can't think. I know there's something genuinely wrong with me, but I don't have the money to see a therapist. I don't even know anymore.
I've distanced myself from here at first due to lack of motivation, then that turned into being cause there's a lot of memories that I don't like. That person I was when I made those memes. It unsettles me. Even looking back on it now, I must've known something was wrong with me. I literally would turn Everly into a monster in so many memes. All i know is that's how I feel now, cause I hurt people I called friends. I never meant to, but that doesn't matter. I still hurt them. I've apologized to all I've hurt, but I can't seem to forgive myself. I know I don't need to forget, cause I need to learn and be better. I don't believe I have the right to talk about what it is, as I want to respect the people who were hurt. I don't understand why I did what I did. I should've known better, but I hadn't been taught better. All I've done is perpetuate the cycle to others like it was put on me.
Mom and dad, if you ever read this, cause I know you rooted for me with this channel. I hated how strict you guys were, cause all it did was make me dive head first further into the internet. Finding things I shouldn't have, things I didn't understand and scared me. Instead of limiting my time, you should have asked your oldest daughter how to block 🔞 websites from your chronically online middle child. And you should've kept me from dating that boy from 12 years old to 18. I know you knew, you told me it was puppy love. It genuinely emotionally stunted me, and I used him as a crutch through life, not able to actually possess the world around me.
And I'm uncomfortable thinking about the stuff he started talking about when I was still 17.
Thank you for making me get off hatena when I was 13 after I saw nsfw art role-playing, but you didn't explain to me what was wrong with what I saw. All you did was make me even more curious. That's why I friended that 18 year old on Facebook after. He was my friend I didn't know better. I need to be taught better.
I found 🔞 furry art in middle school on a website that now has an age gate. I don't remember seeing one when I was younger. I just remembered weird art and stuff I didn't understand. That shit i seen made me like things I really shouldn't, and I hate it. I got too desensitized.
I was so proud when I made my own stuff stuff I hid or made it ride the line of fluffy and straight up 🔞.
At the end of that relationship, it's the only thing he wanted. In the end, he ended up ghosting me for 6 months and then ended it. I stop role-playing all together cause of his shit. It made me so uncomfortable that I would fake falling asleep to get out of it.
I knew that stuff got me love and attention, and I put it out for some people to see. Cause that's all I ever wanted. To friends, I thought they'd think its cool or funny. I've never had any other purpose than that. But it was still wrong of me, I wish I was told sooner what I did was wrong.
This is why I've been gone. I've been trying to distance myself from the shitty person who made this channel. I've been practicing introspection, and my fiance has helped me learn a lot he was taught in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I know my gender and sexuality now, as I've been able to really think about who I actually am.
I am demisexual, demiromantic, and bigender. My pronouns are she/him. And my new fursona is a starry grey and white Maine coon cat named Tannar. I hate what Everly represents, everything I used to be.
I don't know if I ever deserve to come back here. Maybe after therapy if I can ever afford it. All I know is I have alot of unresolved trauma I need to work through before I do even think about returning. I want to be the best version of myself when I do. So , this is both a goodbye and see you soon.
I'll try my best to respond to some questions or other stuff, I just might need some time. I've had a hard time just thinking lately. I feel like my brain is in a blender, so it's a bit hard.
Thank you for your time. And sorry again, everyone that I've hurt and disappointed.
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New character
Thier name is Eri
1.6K - 44
Finished her up the other day! She's all good and done!
Forgot to post this yesterday, so my apologies!
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Update on the progress so far :3
1K - 24
She has her cheeks now 👀
She's almost ready for me to start cutting the eyes to be ready for the eye blanks ill make, and to have her mouth lined.
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WIP 👀
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So, I'll be starting a small personal project soon. I'll be attempting to make my second fursuit head. My first one was made 6 years ago when I was 16. But im 22 now and I've been intensely motivated lately to try my hand at making Everly again! With almost 4 years of university art classes under my belt, as well as a 3d (albeit this one was a freshman class) AND a sculpture class.
I bought enough foam to possibly make 3 heads out of it, and if so, will be making an Everly head. A head for my fiances sona Atti. And A Drakoo head, more then likely to be Smol (before death).
I'm so motivated that I'm shaking and can't wait until the supplies arrive this weekend. EEEEE
All heads will be made via Uphostery Foam on a balaclava. And I plan to line them with a white soft fabric I found at Walmart a while back. (I donno the name, its thin and breathable but also stretchy and pleasing to touch. >w<
I'll post pictures as I make them, but for now as I wait all I can do is sketch out patterns and ideas! *Impatience intensifies* AAAAAAAAA
452 - 11
Posting a valentines meme tommorrow uvu
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Anyone play VR Chat?
Cause I think it would be cool to schedule a meet up date for meeting a few ppl ^^
(Note, its a free computer game and a VR headset isn't required to play)
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Tommorrow
Cause it my b-day and I need to post more
And
I will try my damndest to do so
I'm aiming for hopefully 2 times a month
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---WIP---
On hiatus for who knows when
might be back, might not.
Wish yall the best
VUJM3J