Super excited for new $uicideboy$!!!
I admit I just recently got into them,
maybe like a year or two ago but I
quickly became a big fan and I can't
wait to see what they've been cooking
Wow so they finally caught on!
Just that one video though?!?
Not the other scary shorts I've
recently posted or the shit I've
shared in my community section
or the songs I've released talking
about depression, self harm and
suicide?!? Hmm, interesting. . .
I do appreciate the concern
and I'm in a very, very dark place
but hopefully this will all make
me stronger in the end. . .
I know suicide is selfish
and it will hurt those who
care about me but I just
want this pain to end. . .
I'm also clinically diagnosed
with various mental illness
so I'm scared I'll snap again
and I won't be in full control
and I'll end up hurting myself
Everyday, I pray for myself
I'm a child of God but how is
that possible when I've done
the absolute worse things a
human could do?
If I told you my secrets, you would
unfolllow me and tell me I should
kill myself for what I've done. . .
I'm not exaggerating either. . .
I'm a fucked up person. . .
Yes, I'm spiritual and I'm all about
love, light, peace and forgiveness
and I don't like hurting others but
I wasn't thinking and I did end up -
shit, I'm revealing too much. . .
I think I'll end up burning in hell. . .
They say God forgives all if you
accept him and repent for your sins. . .
But can I ever be forgiven?
Will I ever be healed?
I think I'm cursed to feel pain
until the light leaves my eyes
π M e m e n t o M o r i π
π
Late at night, I ain't sleeping
cuz I keep seeing d e a t h
when I'm dreaming. . .
I tell my momma,
she don't believe me. . .
Soon, I won't be breathing. . .
I think I'ma be in the sky soon. . .
I'ma leave you songs
you can cry to. . .
I got a feeling that I'm not
gonna be here for next year. . .
I'm clinically insane. . .
(In September 2021, I had a severe mental breakdown. I was put in a mental institution for 8 days and clinically diagnosed with Schizoaffective, Depression, Anxiety, OCD, Suicidal Ideation, Insomnia and a possible split personality disorder was noted but never officially declared. I was then prescribed Seroquel and Zyprexa. For about 2 years, I was pretty stable aside from minor depression and minor anxiety and substance abuse. I didn't notice any psychotic symptoms and I wasn't thinking of suicide as often as I do now. And the suicidal thoughts during the stable 2 years was passive and very rare. Now I think about it everyday but I'm too much of a pussy to attempt it although I get closer to the edge everyday. And now I have a plan. I have razor blades near me and a bottle of muscle relaxers I can swallow. I haven't been taking my meds like I should so the past few months have been hard. I'm hearing voices in my head. I think people are plotting against me. I'm paranoid. I overthink everything. I'm drowning in emotions. I have this unbearable pain deep inside. I want to change but don't have the energy to actually do anything. I'm not taking care of myself. The world seems so bleak and dull. I cry a lot. I'm alone too much. All I do is work and stay home. I found love and I found the perfect girl for me but that's a complicated situation and long story short, I can't be with her and I can't help her like I want to. I think I'm gonna lose her. All I have to brighten my day is what little time I get to spend with Jessica and the rare happy moments with my mom but both are slipping away from me. I'm scared I'm gonna snap again but this time I won't be lucky enough to get the help I need. I feel like there's two people inside me. Adrian is the normal one. He's the main character. Adrian is also the spiritual one, the starseed, indigo child, lightworker, INFJ. He believes in God and he wants to help save the world and he wants to inspire people to be the best version of themselves. He has hope and can find the beauty in everything. Then there's my shadow, Thomas. Thomas is my mental illness, my trauma, a skeptical pessimistic piece of shit who doesn't believe in himself and thinks we're living in hell. He doesn't see any reason to remain on earth because everything hurts him. Kinda like Elliot and Mr. Robot. Two sides of the same coin. Always fighting for control. Pray for me please π)
Don't think I'm all in this world. . .
I don't think I'll be here too long. . .
Pipe down with the noise,
I can not bear my sorrow
I hate who I was before. . .
I fear I won't live to π
see the day tomorrow
Someone tell me
i f t h i s i s h e l l
I gotta escape the void,
there is no other choice
Tryna turn off the voices. . .
(I'm schizoaffective)
T h e v o i d a t e m e . . .
Look at the mess I've made,
there is nowhere to run. . .
Hahaha I think I'm dying
T h i s i s h o w π
a n a n g e l d i e s
Maybe I should
c r y f o r h e l p
Maybe I should
k i l l m y s e l f
Broken promise, I failed. . .
Wrist down
the river,
not across,
wanna bleed
β¬οΈπͺπ©Έπ, π«β‘οΈ
You're good today π,
you're gone tomorrow. . .
G r o w y o u r w i n g s
F l y a w a y , f l y a w a y
You don't w a n n a s t a y
I make music for myself, and if someone else happens to like it, then I guess that's cool haha π
I post some of my favorite songs and albums. I also post interviews that get people to start thinking π€π
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Instagram: arviso.above
Facebook: Adrian Arviso
Email: adrianarviso115@gmail.com
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RIP Ol' Dirty Bastard
(November 13, 2004)
RIP Michael Jackson
(June 25, 2009)
RIP Guru
(April 19, 2010)
RIP Capital Steez
(December 24, 2012)
RIP Prodigy
(June 20, 2017)
RIP Chester Bennington
(July 20, 2017)
RIP XXXTENTACION
(June 18, 2018)
RIP Mac Miller
(September 7, 2018)
All of these amazing artists have died on very important dates in my life and all were a huge inspiration to me
Also, rest in peace to Bob Marley, Kurt Cobain, Tupac, Big L and Left Eye. They weren't alive in my generation but they were big influences π€
Don't get me started on my inspirations who are alive. I don't have enough room π
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