Gaijin Baseball
5 months ago - 95 likes

Hey guys.


For the last 6 months of my life I’ve been dedicating myself to researching and putting together a long project. I tried to do this with my own mental health in mind, but I haven’t been able to do that.

I’ve been trying my level best to make this whole thing work, but being a small creator and doing all this by yourself is incredibly taxing.

I am my own biggest critic, but that’s gotten to unhealthy levels. I want to bash my head against a wall for something as small as a typo. Now imagine how I feel about the mistakes in my video that I know I can’t fix.
So I have to take a step back.

I’m overwhelmed. This isn’t healthy anymore. I’m getting more and more worked up and aggressive and I think it’s showing. Trying to balance this with trying to find work in Japan as well as trying to learn a language, and preparing to pick up my life and move was hard enough, but my car, which was my main tool for de-stressing, has just passed into the realm of “unfixable”, which is not only breaking my heart, but compounding my own mental health issues.

I’m angry, tired and depressed to the point where things have reached the lowest point they have in a long while. I just don’t have it in me to edit 6 hour-long videos over the next 3 months, because that’s not fast enough for me. I don’t like waiting myself, and I don’t like making people wait either.

I’ve officially bit off more than I can chew. I should’ve learned that a long time ago, but I didn’t. Those of you who’ve been with me since the beginning will remember the fact that I’d initially planned to debut with a video on Sadaharu Oh that quickly got out of hand.

I can’t do a project this big. Not on my own, and not with no major financial incentive for me.
So it’s getting shelved until I can make it the way I want to make it. Maybe for a few months, maybe for a year. I don’t know.

Luckily the graphics series I’ve been doing has led to quite a few video ideas, so I’m not quitting entirely.
I just need some time to re-evaluate things. I’m 26 now. I’m not a kid anymore. I’ve retreated into myself so much that I haven’t hung out with my friends in months. I need to stop myself before I go off the deep end.
I’ll still be around on Twitter, spreading news and photos I’ve found and making graphics and such. I’ll still be on Reddit as well, doing the same.

But this is something I’ve needed to do for a while now. I don’t have the mental fortitude to keep this up.
Writing this was exceptionally hard. I tried to stop myself from doing so several times.

But this had to be said.

Thanks for all the support you guys have given me. It means the world.

Evan.