I've spent some time away, reflecting and attending therapy over the past few months. this is going to be regarding my past sexual behaviors and the current state of what I've learned through therapy and this experience. firstly, I understand I lost the right to ask for forgiveness when I pursued the explicit conversations and impulses that I had in the first place, not just to the victims, but also to my friends and family that put so much trust in me to be better. there aren't any amount of words or apologies I can say to change what I've done or downplay the kind of dangerous behaviors I exhibited, but im committed to carrying forward better actions and behaviors so I can hold myself accountable now and for the future. there is healing in knowing that getting better is something I can work towards, and I think being open and vulnerable about where these things came from will give others a perspective to seek help too.
through therapy I've come to understand that I've been constantly exposed to very damaging situations online, being fully desensitized to sexually explicit topics since about 9 years old up to adulthood. when I became familiar with the brony and furry fandom around 13, I was instantly attached to the sexual side of art, explicit roleplaying, flirting, normalizing these kinds of conversations with many adults. I had no barriers and was never really "taught" to care or protect myself. it never clicked that the things I picked up over those years were damaging me and corroding those barriers. the hard truth is that I liked what was happening to me, and I see now that a decade of this helped develop into an intense hyper-sexual and impulsive state of mind. if conversations weren't immediately sexual, I wasn't interested or id find myself looking to make it sexual regardless of who they were or what the context was. I look back now and realize that this shouldn't have been normal, I regret ever letting this take hold of me. some of this bled into bits of my irl life, ending friendships and relationships, objectifying people throughout my teens into my early 20s. when the brony fandom took off, the instant "fame" and attention made it so much more accessible to follow through that state of mind, again normalizing this shotgun-flirt behavior with anyone and everyone who gave me a greenlight. none of this is an excuse for the disgusting things I've said to these people and the victim in 2017, especially how careless I had been with objectifying these situations like they were nothing. I left it behind as carelessly as I pursued it, just as a blip in the back of my mind along with other times I'd passively sexualize conversations and forget them.
with all of this, I've come to understand the trauma I carried forward, along with how I rationalized and excused it to myself. I hope with all my heart that the people I've harmed with my words and actions can heal from this. the silver-lining of this exposure is being confronted with the things I've done face-first, and especially with who I was becoming by ignoring it for so long. nothing can change the past, but pursuing counseling has been so important to understanding my issues deeper and where they've been growing inside me, as well as how to move on and recognize how to prevent myself from hurting others now and in the future. it has also been helping me break through the fear and anxiety of being open about it. despite how ugly and uncomfortable the truth is, I have no fear addressing this now or talking about it openly. I know there is healing, and I know there is hope. for the first time in my life I can confront and recognize the damage I've caused as well as the damage inside me - and still see hope in the person I can work to become. for those that understand, I'll never let you down for believing in me again.
as for my music, I regret taking things down as long as I did. I started uploading music at 13 as a release from tension and I always loved sharing these emotions and ideas with you. while the future for this project is very much blurred and bittersweet right now, ill still restore everything back to the way it was, im not going to block comments or something like that. my music has nothing to do with the kind of person I was, I apologize for bringing it down with me. I hope I can share what I've been working on someday again, even if its not through the same direction I had thought it would be. I'm really not sure what the future is going to be, but I have faith and am hopeful regardless. for now, I'll be focusing on counseling and therapy to continue learning from this experience. I'm not afraid to walk into the unknown because I know there is light I can share at the end.
thank you so much for reading.
391 - 478
permanently retired
receiving professional help