Welcoem to posts!!
in the future - u will be able to do some more stuff here,,,!! like pat catgirl- i mean um yeah... for now u can only see others's posts :c
From my book Head Game.
I won't deny it, the feelings are incredibly powerful. I am very hard on myself, and that comes from some of my trauma and the difficulties that I've had due to my diagnosis itself, where I have tried to understand my mind and the world, often at the expense of other important things. The fear is strong, especially lately; it is, unfortunately, a distrust of myself and my own ability to reason. Part of what comes with having a diagnosis, at least in my experience, is that we don't trust our own judgment, because we find ourselves to be irrational and impulsive. It might be that this is not actually true, but at least in my experience, it is what it has felt like for such a long time. I have often felt as though I can't trust my own intuition, instincts, and senses, that I am irrational. I can't trust my own thoughts. It is a terrible place to be, but it is certainly one of the consequences of having a mind that you don't always understand.
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From my book, Head Game.
So this is my thought, then: my writing is a skeleton key to help me understand my mind and unlock the mysteries, and I can use my experiences with mental illness to capture a unique point of view, and to be able to understand my life and the world.
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New video is up! A reading of my essay The I in Simulation Theory. Enjoy.
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From my book Head Game. Enjoy.
So then, meaning for me, is found in the choices that I make, by doing activities that affect my life in a positive way, while also focusing on the thoughts that I pursue, the kinds of narratives that I consume. For me, then, meaning is the most important thing that we could ever focus on in life, because it really matters, it matters how we perceive things, it matters how we think about things. It matters what we do. While I struggle with the question of meaning itself, sometimes falling into my devastating struggles or an annihilating nihilism, I have found meaning in my life by way of my exploration of the world, where I find purpose, by engaging with the world on a deeper level. I want to know what makes people tick, I want to know what the universe is made of. I want to constantly explore, because I want to see what is possible, because I'm so curious about it, and because I feel as though the more that I explore it, the more that I understand things in a meaningful way.
That meaning is so powerful to have. I admit that I don't have all the answers, and that I don't submit to any larger worldview or perspective; but I find myself happy all the time, by way of my rich and meaningful experiences. Meaning is not usually so easy to achieve, but in my mind, it is worth the effort. I have often heard that we can either have a happy life or a meaningful life, but if we choose a meaningful life, we may not always be happy. I think that this is true (though meaning and happiness are not a strict dichotomy, of course), because it tells me that meaning is an end unto itself, meaning is good for its own sake, meaning is not about an immediate end result. It's more about what we learn in the process. I know that people may disagree with the idea that meaning is the fundamental purpose of life, maybe even more than happiness, but I still find it powerful to say that for at least my own life, I am okay with the trade-off. It has been difficult, I have had a lot of painful experiences, but what comes out of that is a powerful transformation, of growth, change, and sacrifice, and is something that is not immediately understood, but is certainly intuitive and intelligible. It comes with a powerful point of view.
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In thinking about the oddness of my experience, I realize I can't always trust my experience. I think about this a lot, that I can't put my experience into words. That I don't really know what I'm experiencing.
It seems to me that I may never grasp my experience. But, I try to. Here's a passage I took from my book Head Game.
Enjoy.
I don't want to underestimate my own experience, then. I want to be able to see my experience as a guide to the world, and that I can trust my intuitions and instincts, because they are a part of what I experience in the world. There is the raw data that I interpret through my senses, but there is also the more abstract understandings that I extrapolate from the world around me, and that I look at intellectually. It helps to have a model of the world to compare, to understand that while my experience is not immediately tangible sometimes, it is still something that helps me understand the world and the things going on in my world. Experience, then, is something that can't be taken for granted. There is a huge purpose to it, and it is something that we can't ignore, if we are able to have a deep and meaningful life: Our experience is the very thing that gives our life meaning.
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New video! A reading of my poem Mask. Enjoy. Check out the poem on my blog, here: stephanheard.wordpress.com/2025/01/23/mask-a-poem/…
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New video coming. Stay tuned.
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I hope you’re having a good day. Thanks for watching.
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New video is up! Thinking through things …
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Hi. My name is Phoenix (aka Stephan Heard). I live in Salt Lake City, Utah. I write. Writing is my passion. It is my life force; I am a fiction writer, poet, playwright, and philosopher. I hope to share my passion through my work. I hope you feel inspired by my work: I hope it gets you to feel. I hope my work causes you to burn with the fires that compose the heart of this universe: rise from the ashes, if you so desire.
If you're interested in learning more about my books and what I have to offer, follow this link down the rabbit hole: amazon.com/author/phoenix_rises