@chinadoll978

6 months ago

Now that the lyrics make sense, I put myself in this song. I suffered a miscarriage on January 24th of this year and it was the worst thing ever... The whole pregnancy I was frustrated from always feeling ill, also suffering from mental health issues, I was going through financial troubles and facing homelessness. On nights when I was vulnerable I would argue with my husband that I didn't want my baby due to me not being able to give him what he needed. I wanted to feel better. Til one day I started bleeding.. at that moment I felt so much fear. I didn't realize how much I wanted my baby until the realization that he may not survive. That first night, I sang out loud to myself a lullaby and apologized to my baby while rubbing my belly in hopes my baby would forgive me as they feel everything we feel. Ended up in the hospital on 3 occasions to see he was fine via ultrasound but I was still bleeding heavily. Was on bed rest and one morning I woke up with immense pain. My husband called an ambulance and when I reached the hospital, my blood pressure was through the roof that they gave me morphine. Pain did not go away and I was praying and hoping everything would be okay. But an hour later I went to use the bathroom and out he came. Perfectly formed floating in the amniotic sac attached to my placenta. I don't think I screamed so loud before. I felt so empty. I feel so guilty for the negative feelings I felt at that time and now this song triggers me emotionally. To my 9 week old son Azariah, mommy and daddy miss you every day. I'm so sorry 😔💔 you're all I ever wanted and it took losing you to realize you were exactly what I needed.

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