@moduur8949

1 year ago

This video struck a chord with me and the way I have decided to exist. I once believed that I needed to be more than what I am. That money would bring me happiness. That the local notoriety of being a chef and running a successful restaurant would be enough. I had to work and forsake all that I loved because the imagined prestige was what was important. The job would be enough to fill the void. As with most voids, no matter what I pour, smoke, snorted, or spent. It stayed empty. The void fostered the growth of nihilism. I walked up to the line of a pure nihilistic belief, that if there is nothing, then nothing I do matters. Why don't I do whatever the hell I want? Why don't I start sleeping around? Who cares if I start using people? They use me just the same. My morals and conscience are just getting in the way of the true happiness I so longingly desire. Then I got sober. I could have chosen a different path. I could have stayed drowning in a bottle of whiskey. I could have stayed in my nihilistic beliefs. I could have blamed my failings on anything other than myself. I could have achieved the death I longed for but needed an excuse for. Easier to die drunk in a wreck, than be responsible for slitting my own wrists. While my sobriety was force on me. I had to choose either a year in jail or enter an alcohol treatment court for my third OWI. The court gave me ownership of my sobriety. I was the one who chose not to drink or do drugs. I was the one that completed the court with no sanctions for slipping up. Any slip up did carry the weight of being sent to jail for a few days or being kick out of the court and having to serve my full sentence. As the cloud in my mind cleared and my will power was no longer smashed under the pressure of booze and drugs. I started to ask myself more questions. Why am I killing myself for money? Why am I working 60 hours a week with no enjoyment for life? Why have I missed so many birthdays, holidays, weddings, and vacations? Why does no one ever ask me to do something? Why do I have no friends? So, I walked away from what I loved doing. I took my sanity over my dream job. As I healed over the past few years, I believe that alcoholism stopped my emotion and mental growth. I was the maturity of a 17-year-old stuck in a 36-year-old body when I stopped drinking. I have found life not to be so bleak. The joys of my family returned to me. I started to spend time with my nephews and niece, learning who they are as individuals. I found my passion for reading and music return. I started to write again, letting my thought out on a piece of paper verse keeping them bottled inside. I fell in love with someone, who I am unable to tell. Because she believes that she is damaged and broken, as if we all aren't. But I feel sharing those feelings will do more harm than good. She needs to heal from her past, which may never happen. The hardest person to forgive is yourself. But I love her all the same. Best I can do is be a friend and listen. I write all this to simply say. I am not one of those people that can chase the idea of being remembered. I am an addict who becomes addicted to whatever I deem to be important, to the determent of everything around me and myself. I know when my life has run its course, there might be a few who mourn my passing and there might not. With me that is fine. What is important to me is that I am still here. I can't change the world. It is far too big for me, but I can affect the lives of those I love. I can share the peace I have found in myself. I can be the unjudging ear. I can share a piece of wisdom gained through my struggles. In the end, what I am is enough.

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