@jensinthepark

3 years ago

this is it. 24th june 2020. 1:37am. im sick of sitting in the house all day and wasting away my teenage years. once this quarantine is over im gonna hang out with friends, dress how i like, not be ashamed of who i am, speak my truth and stand up for what i believe in. put myself first because all ive done my whole life is please others. im gonna be dumb, wild and free cos soon ill be an adult with responsibilities. i'm gonna enjoy the years i have left of being a kid. i'm gonna laugh, i'm gonna smile so big my cheeks hurt. i'm gonna cry but wipe away my tears and not dwell. i'm gonna take tons of pics and videos. i'm gonna wear my heart on my sleeve. i'm gonna love myself and others unrelentlessly and infinitely. i'm gonna get in trouble. i'm gonna be happy. this is the first day of changing my life. and i couldn't be more excited. i'm 15. i'm growing up. but i don't have to leave little league just yet. update: so this is it. 24th june 2021. 10:25pm. i guess i thought life would be back to normal by this point. how silly of me lol. a lot happened in the last year, but none of it sticks in my mind. i miss myself a year ago. i was so different, so dumb, so scared. i grew up a lot this past year. i lost of all my friends, my mental health got worse than ever before i and was more miserable than i've ever been in my life. but theres something about summer that makes me think that things will get better. i wish i could say i completed everything on this bucket list of sorts but that would be a lie. in many ways i'm still the girl i was last year, but in many ways i'm so different. i thought i would completely change my life in a year but i now realise that that's not possible. we grow and change everyday, but big changes take time. i have a lot of healing to do, and that's okay. it's okay to not be perfect. it's okay to not be happy all the time. it's okay to feel like your life hasn't changed at all. i'm 16. i'm growing up. and i'm terrified. but i don't have to leave little league just yet. see you guys next year. update: so this is it! 24th june 2022. 11:35am. how has it already been two years since my last update? just like last year, a lot has happened but nothing much worth mentioning. i'm doing better now, still pretty lonely but i'm learning to be okay with that. of course there's good and bad days but the good seems to outnumber the bad. i'm more self-sustaining and i'm trying to not rely on others to make me happy. my mental health has improved so much and i'm feeling much more content and excited for the rest of my life, even if i don't feel so great sometimes, i don't get overwhelmed and simply wait for the storm to pass. i'm still not sure what i'm going to do with the rest of my life which is slightly terrifying but i don't have to figure it all out just yet. most of all though i feel compelled most of all to mention you guys. i made my original comment as a naive and hopeful 15 year old and now there's so many people who've replied and said you resonated with my comment so thank you! every few months or so i completely forget about this comment then someone will reply and it takes me right back. it's been an honour to grow with you all these past two years. i hope you're all doing well and i'm so glad my comment found a place in your heart that touched you. the reason i wrote that comment was to shout how i felt out into the universe and hope someone, anyone, would hear it and relate; and so many people did and that's what makes me happiest of all. i'm so glad people found comfort or motivation in my words. thank you and i love each and every one of you, wherever you are. i'm 17. i'm growing up and i'm still really scared. but i don't have to leave little league just yet. see you guys next year for the last update. update: so. this really IS it. i'm sorry for not updating on the same day as i have done these past few years, so be honest it completely slipped my mind. its annoying, i wanted to get a perfect streak. but, i'm doing this now. august 2nd 2023, 4:58pm. i look back at myself from 3 years ago when i first wrote this commnent and i want nothing more than to hug her so tight. i was at a turning point in my life, similar to how i am now. i was unsure of myself, my future, everything. "The Future" was a big scary thing that I would deal with later. well, it is later. and i'm still dealing with the fact that now i'm 18, and i still know so little about life. 18 seemed so out of reach then, i wonder if 15 year old me would like the person i've become. in all honesty, back then, i was deeply insecure and my one purpose in life was to please others. if someone didn't like me, it was the end of my world and i didn't know how to deal with it, other than hiding away and crying. i like to think i'm better now. i try to live my life for myself, not others. i'm dumb and wild and free (as much as a teenager still living at home can be). i try to do what makes me happy, which hasled to me going against the responsible part of my brain that told me to study nursing or business or something and instead choosing to study english literature at university, starting next month. i've always had a love for writing, one that i think shines through in my numerous updates of this very comment. i want to create and help people with the things i create, which is partly due to this comment. thank you to everyone for your likes and replies, knowing that i've helped or motivated even just one person is so gratifying. i'm so excited to study the thing i love most, and i hope it helps me to be able to write and create things that people relate to and makes them feel understood. after all, isn't being uderstood the thing all humans want most? i'm glad to say my mental health has improved tenfold. i'm happier than i ever have been, and i found a group of friends who love me and support me to be my truest self. its not a surface level happiness i feel, its a contentment of knowing that the life ahead will be wonderful if i allow it to be. i wake up everyday grateful to be alive, a point i never thought i'd reach when i was in my darkest times. i'm still not 100 percent sure of who i am but i know i'm a good person, who loves others deeply. the rest i'll figure out later. again, thanks so much to everyone part of this stupid little comment i wrote when i was 15 during lockdown. i hope you all get everything you want in life and more, seriously. i meant it when i said i loved you all. childhood may be over, but my life is really just begining. i can't wait. i'm 18, i'm all grown up, and i couldn't be more excited. thanks little league. - jennifer

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