@SemiDivineOne

3 years ago

Not something I normally ever talk about but this hits me at such a deep and powerful level. About ten years ago I was going through latest stages of bad relationship headed towards its end. I started taking pills and I knew the dangers but it just felt better to not hurt. What started off as weekends, turned into every day and that turned into multiple times a day and that turned into me getting fucked up at every possible moment I had at my disposal. I could see where I was heading and knew I was walking a razors edge. One misstep and over the edge I'd go. When finally sick of it all and wanting to stop, I realized I was now in the mits of a full blown physical addiction to pain n killers. Instead of trying to get fucked up every day, I was instead trying to just not feel sick and horrid. I'd lost a lot getting to where I was but fighting through that while trying to still exist in life was mad crazy. Ended up costing me my career at the time, many of social relationships, most importantly though, it cost me sense of self worth and confidence. During that entire time there was only a small few that knew what I was battling. As much as it was effecting me, I was still able to keep up the facade to most everyone that I was ok. People knew I was struggling with depression but assumed it was all a result of the terrible break up I had gone through. My mom, my current sig nif other, my brother and sister were all in the know though and I'm mad blessed for that looking back. Lyrics from this song encompass perfectly how I felt so often. It took me a couple years but I finally got myself off pills. I never slipped towards anything else like H but I can see and fully understand how a person does. If not for the physical addiction and withdrawal, I would of quit two years minimum before I did but they are insanely tough and hard to get passed. Every slip would start you back at one and that was just really tough. It took me an additional 5 to 6 years to finally reach the other side of this terrible dark and seemingly bottomless ocean of despair... But I made it. It's something almost no one will ever know or understand and I'm ok with that. I did some things I'll never not feel guilty about but I also got to the other side where almost no one else I know that found themselves in similar situations was able to do. I carry that as a major personal accomplishment and source of strength. The fact I carry it secretly, stuffed away in the most private stocks and places inside, serves as something no one else can take from me. Its been a little over a decade since all that and every day gets me a little farther away from that pit I dug. I still haven't bounced back professionally or even found a solid direction in that regard. It's like the entire experience changed everything about my being. I will find my way even with that at some point, meaning career and profession. Until then, whatever I can legit do to pay my way I'm OK with. When moment is right, a door or window will open and help usher in that next chapter. Crazy as this will most likely sound, I don't regret any of it happening. I regret some of my actions during but the entire experience? Not at all. Very few are ever forced to confront, learn, and ultimately accept the darkest and weakest parts of themselves. I turn 39 this coming weekend and feel I know myself on a level very few my age do. I don't even think many 20 years older could say the same. I believe this will help shape the second half of my story in a way, that without going through it all, wouldn't be possible. I'm excited for that. To anyone reading this going through their own struggles and hells. You can do this. Bite, scratch, claw, and fight with everything you've got if your wanting to win this battle. You're stronger than you know. The damage that those closest to you might recieve during is often something they'd never trade. Real love means they'd walk through hell with you if it meant finding an exit together. Let them. To Illenium, thank you. Your seriously mad talented and genuine. You really let your walls and defenses down to write this. From a stranger on the internet that might be lucky enough to catch a live show but beyond that may never have any direct interaction with you, You've helped in changing my life. I'm forever grateful for that. Anyone going through their own personal hell, you can do this. I'm there if you need it

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