@navyblues7123

1 year ago

I've had feelings for this boy for over 2 years now. Listening to songs like this, especially ones from cavetown make my heart ache thinking of him still. He has very fair skin, is certainly quite tall and earlier on, he's had hair that shone like moonlight; a platinum blonde color that looked white to me, and has big, innocent pretty blue eyes that I'd sometimes see either light and bright or dark and deep, that didn't even appear blue. In my eyes I saw him as a sweet, innocent angel, like a sort of guardian angel to me, though I know that may sound kind of silly, but this was because of how much he cared about me for really no obvious reason, how loyal, gentle and sweet he was, how he loved to stay by my side and 'protect' me from others. (Even if I didn't need protecting and he was just being selfish and overly defensive). He used to be such a joyful boy in the past; bashful at first but quickly opening up to the ones he adores or loves, and he has, or had, the most bright, gleeful and happy smile I've seen... now, it's so, so rare to see his smile, and I have a horrible, terrible feeling I'm most definitely at least one reason because of this. It's a bit weird to me to explain how we've drifted apart, but I know it was, I guess, my 'fault' in a way, for how heartbroken he became and at least part of why he's how he is now. How he is now is pretty much the opposite of how he was before. He'd rarely try to purposely get my attention anymore, stared at me much much less often, and now seems like his mind has drifted away from the world. He's still quiet, and appeared so empty and dead inside now. I'd gaze at his zombified self, sometimes far away and sometimes not too far away, and think, I love him so much, what have I done to him? He no longer seemed to be the same happy, beaming boy I knew before. I mean yes , I definitely understand people change, but it still hurt seeing him this way, with a depressing sort of air floating around wherever he went... his blue sky has now turned to a dull gray, with a dark cloud floating above his "tainted", now dull, dark blonde head. (I'm not trying to write 'tainted' like dirty blonde hair is bad; I just sorta like how poetic this sounds... that doesn't actually really make any sense though.. Idk) Whenever I see him his eyes look sunken; his eye color now only dark, emptied and appearing to be more black than blue, physically and figuratively. I've thought about him so, so much and written plenty of times about him in my journals, but I can't remember even saying a single word to him, a single f-ing word to him... maybe I did, but it's not apparent in my memories of us together. When I see him again, I want to actually say something, speak to him... I've written a letter and made an origami box filled with compliments inside for him, so I wish to give those 2 to him as well. I feel like I may struggle with words at first because it's hard communicating with each other, so it was easier to express myself on paper... I hope this will go well if or when I see him again. I love him and I wish to get to know him more; brighten him up again and try helping him try to show his emotions more. Maybe this won't work out totally, but this is what I wish for and hope to be able to be willing and strong enough to do.

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