@PumkRock

1 year ago

I've recently come out, and decided it's long overdue that I start my transition. I Started singing this song to myself, quietly at first, whenever I felt pangs of dysphoria. I'm a very working class factory worker, living in a very conservative area. For the longest time I was terrified of coming out. I thought I'd lose everything. I cut my long hair into a short, masculine, style- stopped wearing makeup- tried my best to talk and act like I was one of the guys. the only signs that I was even anything but your regular cis guy was my alternative fashion sense, complete aversion to sexism, shameless bisexuality, and a religious dedication to being completely clean shaven. There were tells, but for a couple of years- I passed as a man. Fast forward to the present, and I'm presenting female the majority of the time- getting laser hair removal- growing my long hair back centre metre by painstaking centre metre. Only going boymode for work because of the practical concerns of the job- 12 hour shifts, toxic chemicals, strenuous manual labour, and full body hazmat suits don't mix with wigs and makeup. But I'm out now. Everyone knows. They might not get it 100%, but for the most part everyone is just cool with it. I'm good at what I do- I'm affable enough- I pull my weight and then some- who cares if the guy thinks he's a girl?, he's some kind of new-fangled homo?, oh well, we still think he's good people. I'm now almost infamous for singing this one song all the time as I work. Often LOUDLY, often involving other people- I'm performatively extending my hands in a mock loving serenade towards my dumbfounded work mates while they laugh with me. It picks me up- lets me experience gender euphoria even when I look like the roughest version of the man I used to be. People find it funny and charming- they ask questions about being trans, they genuinely seem to be coming around to the idea- they see how happy I am now- and decide that it can't be a bad thing. Even if it's all going to be bullshit to them at the end of the day. Some of them even she/her me. I know they don't really believe it, but they don't need to. I have a reputation for being happy-go-lucky, for being fun and not giving a single shit what people think about me- they will never know the place of pain and anxiety my joyous singing comes from- but that's fine by me. I'm slowly, so fucking slowly, becoming the woman I always wanted to be- and I can say, without any doubt in my mind, that I couldn't have done it without this music to comfort me and carry me forwards. I have a gender neutral first name that I'm going to hold onto- But there's a reason I'm taking Laura as my new middle name. Thanks sister- couldn't have done it without you.

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