@mdtrabalhos

9 months ago

I very much agree with Margarita's words and I am thankful she is doing the work of educating, challenging and motivating people in suffering. The change from an emotional co-regulation style (co-dependency) to a self-regulation style (inter-dependency) is extremely painful as it challenges the very structure of the co-dependent self. It is a change that demands a confrontation with the fundamental fear of being utterly alone and unlovable (a fear with the intensity of a fundamental threat to psychological integrity, a threat to the Self, experienced like a danger of imminent death). I am not exagerating. The experience of threat to integrity of the Self makes the co-dependent rely on a emotion-to-action style of regulation (focus on emotion to organise one's actions). The change to a self-regulation style implicates a change in that style to its exact opposite, meaning, to a action-to-emotion style (focus on actions first so to organise ones emotions). The key word is "focus". The change is not about fixing ones emotions as ones emotions are like the weather, we can not change them. The goal is to practice "attention refocusing". Driving ones attention focus from emotion to actions. from emotion to action. It is extremely difficult but it can be done. And it's easily done when that focus (action before emotion) is practiced outside strong emotional dysregulation. If you are reading this from that place of pain and worry, be compassionate towards yourself but, also, be brave! You are stronger than you were made to believe.

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