@claudiabrown6329

6 years ago

My husband died from Agent Orange, too. He had Multiple Myeloma for eight years. We were married for 20 years. It has been almost four years since he left this earth. I still feel devastated. My dog had very bad reaction to some anesthesia this past week, and I could not take her home with me. I immediately lost all of my faith in an afterlife when this happened. She is okay now, but I wonder how I would have been if she didn't fully recoverer. My therapist tells me that I am getting on with life because I have had a hip and shoulder replacement. She says that I am funny, strong and am moving forward. I want to scream at her, "I am at the top of a slippery slope. I can easily fall down the suicide side". I stay here because I have a daughter, who is 36 years old, and has had diabetes, since she was 2. She is married, so her husband and I are the only family we have. I lived in SC for about 7 years. It is a beautiful state. I love animals and would love to have a tiny farm, with chickens, dogs, cats and all that goes with it. Working outside has always been my escape. Round Up is Agent Orange, so obviously our government still allows it and is able to sleep at night. I wonder who is being paid off. I tell people that our government, during the Vietnam War, murdered my husband. They did not test Agent Orange. They did not care one bit. All the people it was dumped on is unimaginable. I think about going to a 55+ community in Ponte Verde, Florida sometimes. I do not have any family who understands what it is like to lose the one man you love. They don't want to understand or even imagine it. I love the beach and it feeds my soul....literally. Ponte Verde, FL has a beach six miles away from where I would live. My daughter is in TX, and I have lived there, too. It is flat, dusty with very little beauty. I feel like a duck out of water. I know the monster you speak about. He follows me everywhere. The doctor was not going to operate on my second hip because he said that I am too emotional. I told him that that is my genetic makeup. Your idea of a farm and gardening sounds wonderful to me. However, I am not a loner and I do not have many friends anymore. They have all died. I lost my friend, Susan, last Thursday to ALS. She was a widow, too. We understood each other without even speaking about our husbands' death, although we did. I miss her terribly. Her last words to me were "Tell Claudia that I beat her". She was being funny because we wondered who would see our husbands first. I am not sure what I believe anymore or what is true. I will just have to live with that. I wish I knew someone like you that I could talk to. I had another friend, who was 30 years older than I. She lost her husband, too. She is no longer here either. How I wish I could speak with her. She was so insightful about family and love. I am going to be 65, but I tend to get along better with women who are not my age. Go figure. Thank you for your talk. It reached a part of me that very few people understand.

19 |