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38,050 Views • Premiered Aug 31, 2022 • Click to toggle off description
This discussion used binary terms, because while this problem affects everyone, it is a product of the gender binary.
"The Rise of Lonely, Single Men": www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-state-our-unio…
Go give Aranock some love: youtube.com/c/Aranock
Looking for more tips and encouragement re: positive masculinity? Check out our podcast, Dudes Rock!: / @dudesrock6314
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Views : 38,050
Genre: People & Blogs
Date of upload: Premiered Aug 31, 2022 ^^
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RYD date created : 2024-04-25T05:36:29.83296Z
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YouTube Comments - 698 Comments
Top Comments of this video!! :3
The hardest thing about being a trans guy is navigating this stuff. Other (cis) men don't have the tools/skills to create the emotional platonic connections I need, and women no longer see me as somebody safe to be emotionally intimate with. It's an absolute culture shock to go from a world where platonic affection is normal to one where it is nowhere.
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Honestly, any woman that doesn't think men deserve a better version of masculinity - deserve emotional support in their upbringing - apparently doesn't recognize the huge issues that could be helped in that endeavor: lowered intimate partner violence, lowered rape statistics, more communication and shared emotional labor. It feels pretty self-evident. But I'm a cis woman without kids, so this video wasn't for me. I hope it finds men it can help, and women who have boy-childs.
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One thing I love about masculinity, in my experience, is when you find a positive group of "your boys," they will stick by you through anything, but never hesitate to call out bad behavior or hold each other accountable.
I've run the gamut of toxic masculine relationships and once I stopped embracing it (both consciously as, "the way it is" and unconsciously as learned behavior) I found myself WAY more comfortable with my own masculinity.
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I fucking love seeing boys messing around in a wholesome way. I go bouldering, and at the gym you get to watch all these young men cheer each other on and mess around on the walls and it's so fun. Men deserve support like that in all areas of their lives.
63 |
As someone who used to be a “MRA” 🙄 That rage and Sadness and anger is disturbingly accurate for me when I was a senior in high school. Whenever I watch Women debunk Manosphere content I think to myself that my decision to DeRadicalize from my misogyny and instead start to heal and learn to trust women and heal my platonic relationships with the women in my family was the correct decision. Thank you for this video it’s time that the Manospheres and misogynistic men’s chokehold on men’s issues and trauma come to a end! :)
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"If you could wake up tomorrow and have people understand anything about you, what would it be?" Man raised by a wolfpack of women here. This is a critical question. It took me decades to understand that the overt and covert themes of my upbringing were: "Value the women around you and don't be a douchebag, little man." Mission accepted and (mostly?) accomplished (F*k, I hope?). But it took me a while longer to really value the question that you just asked. It's one thing to learn what *not to be, but it's another to understand how you want to be and what you need to do to get there. Thanks for this video, Finn.
Oh, and "Beta Soy Boy." I'm writing that down.
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Finn my friend. This feels like an important video you've made. I'm going to have to watch it multiple times to unpack everything. You have made something powerful. It's a shame that putting something complex, deep, and honest onto the Social Media Thunderdome that is YouTube requires so much courage. But you're showing that courage. Thank you.
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Hi! Great video. I think something we need to start doing is to "de-gender" behavior and emotion. For some men, asking them to "get in touch with their feminine-side" is a cultural call for emasculation. If we instead said, it is healthy for people to "express their feelings so that they can get their needs met," that sounds sensible and non-threatening, and something men can buy into. Saying that respect for others experience and emotions helps gain understanding and enhances out abilities to negotiate our way through society also sounds gender neutral, non-threatening, and beneficial. Emotions and needs are human based and should be expressed in those terms, not disguised by cultural gender bias. I was sent here by Jesse Gender. You have a new subscriber.
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Bell Hooks’ book The Will to Change covers a lot of this, especially the dangers of viewing all men as all-powerful. It’s a truly powerful read, even if you already identify with lots of feminist ideology. She also forgoes the word “Toxic Masculinity” for “Patriarchal Masculinity” and I think it does a lot better as showing men and boys as victims of patriarchal thinking rather than the constant perpetrators of it.
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A lot of the time, the harm done to women by toxically masculine men is those men shifting the pain off of themselves. While stopping this pain being shifted to women is a good step, ultimately we have to address the men's pain to eliminate the pain overall
63 |
Love this!
Something I have been struggling with as a trans man is navigating the world of masculinity and trauma. Growing up a "girl/woman" I experienced my fair share of bad men, and I was raised to believe most men are untrustworthy, and I witnessed men do things and so many women have opened up to me about what men have done to them. This build an intense fear and uneasiness around men, but also... myself. I walk around with a debilitating fear to make a woman feel unsafe, uncomfortable or like she needs to worry about me. I live in a state of constant worry of how I may effect a woman because I lived so much of my life afraid of how men effect me. This makes me terrified of my own masculinity, and even my own personality. I have always been a loud, gregarious, flirty and outgoing person. A performer if you will, and as a butch lesbian that passed with flying colours cause I was seen as confident, strong and fun... as a man it can so easily be perceived as obnoxious and unpredictable and that is the worst feeling. How to understand my own masculinity and not be afraid of it because of my experience of "toxic" masculinity is a very difficult journey.
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Hiya, victim of a lot of male Domestic Violence here (I nearly got killed more than once). I'm glad these vids are getting made. It's important, cause being made a victim of someone else's unhappiness is hard. Life is already hard, and when you can't actually help them, but life and movies have taught people that you will help, it's really hurtful to everyone. I have empathy, but from a safe distance cause PTSD from DV is a hard thing to bear.
As far as terms to substitute, I'm very much a "people are taught to respond to terms negatively, so explain the concept without using the words" type of far Leftist.
When I talk about men and male characters I like, I try and explain them in a way that kind of slides in funny.
I know I would describe a lot of my male friends as gentle. That makes people used to boorish men scoff, but as someone who's suffered a lot of DV based out of male unhappiness, I see my guy friends's ability to see others' struggles and adapt to help lift up the burden, if only temporarily as a great example.
So, that weird thing you normally wouldn't associate, then go in to explain.
Also, have examples. If you don't have friend of family examples, some celebs you admire work. Mr Rodgers is great. I like Adam Liaw (Australian TV chef, won Masterchef Australia series two); he's got serious dad vibes, and he just seems so friendly on air (I don't think you can fake that kind of friendliness or caring dad vibes). Everyone has faves.
As for skirting around the words people have been trained to react to, just talking about the behaviours in the context of not approving can work wonders. But that needs to come from a fellow guy. The behaviour approval seeking is better coming from you guys. You don't need to say "that's toxic masculinity". If you see a behaviour that hurts in the moment, call it out then. If it's a story meant for an effect (to be funny or brag), do an opposite emotion (if it was meant to be funny, ask them why, get them to explain, then be like "Ah, I didn't laugh because I think that's pretty awful", if it was meant to brag, same thing on getting them explain how it makes them cool, but reply "I don't think that was an example of your best self").
I like the burning building analogy. Thank you for giving a burned victim of that fire that we're all trying to deal with some new language :D
55 |
As a woman, I want to personally thank you for making this video as it's made me cry. Thank you for giving me the closure I never received. I spent over a year in a mentally abusive relationship with a self-proclaimed "Red-Pilled Alpha" who consumed manosphere content like the morning paper and whose Lord & Savior is Kevin Samuels.
In an effort to emphasize with the male struggle and to understand my partner better, I emersed myself into the Manosphere and found myself on the MGTOW/Black Pill side of YouTube/Reddit. I can't count the thousands of hours of content I consumed and how many Alpha Male content creators I know by heart.
I quickly fell into the trap and believed the lies they've told about men AND women. I was a certified member of the cult and even considered myself a red-pilled woman.
After leaving the relationship, one thing my ex told me verbatim that ALL men cheat because it's their biological right to exercise their options. This, along with numerous other talking points he shoved down my throat, made me distrusting of men.
In many women, those feelings of distrust can manifest into anger or even hatred of men, but for me, it manifested sadness a grim look on society.
Thank for taking an active stance against this ideology and thank you for making me aware of the male experience.
29 |
Just a cis-het woman dropping in to say - there ARE women out here who are willing, even eager, to be friends with you. Yes, you. Uh huh, even you. There are girls out here who genuinely love the company of men, would sincerely love to listen to you talk about sports or videos games or any of your nerdy interests all day, and really really DO like to be part of someone's emotional support network. Come explore the world of egalitarian communities with us! There's all SORTS of stuff to discover!
86 |
NGL, i was one of them. I was raised motherless and my dad always told me my sisters deserved better treatment (a bedroom, a bathroom, phones, quiet time) by a very young age made me first feel worthless and later maybe misoginistic when i reached the maturity to understand the unfair treatment. I still feel worthless in a bit of a healthier/lesser way. Also didn't help that the only other people that showed me love as a kid were men who probably had an underlying intention on abusing me (touchy subject, not gonna get into it)
125 |
"I've been pulling the rug out from under people and then been shocked when they were unsteady and upset about it." A good thing to keep in mind when debating with someone is asking yourself what kind of argument would ever make YOU change your mind on something you believed strongly in.
24 |
I've always hated the notion that men aren't allowed to feel bad because they're not oppressed. It's just perpetuating the idea that you can never complain because someone else will always have it worse.
"How dare you waste food, there are children starving in Africa," "how dare you want a nicer house, some people don't have one at all," "how dare you be insecure, you have male privilege" - it's all the same goddamn thing. Men are allowed to feel things, especially when you're demanding they improve themselves, refusing to explain how, and then complaining when they don't instantly figure it out.
If you think women should be treated better but think men don't deserve the same, then that's not equality, it's just misandry.
142 |
Full privilege checklist here (wealthy, able, cis, white, male, etc) just found your channel. By 6min into this video I had to pause and dry my eyes. You PERFECTLY put words to the feeling of not being allowed to have or express feelings of struggle or isolation because there's no way I could feel that way because of my mountain of privilege.
To answer your question of "Is there one thing I want people to wake and know about me?" Its that despite my privilege, I still experience the full range of human emotions and the fact that means I also sometimes experience strong negative emotions doesn't mean I'm automatically a threat or dangerous or a liability, it means I'm a human being who is suffering.
As someone who grew up in rural Rustbelt America, I also feel qualified in saying that you successfully spoke in a manner that would draw in the sort of man you are trying to reach.
With that in mind, What can I do to help?
Right now all I can think to do is continue to learn why i am the way I am and also ask myself and my guys as often as possible, "How are you feeling?" And give space for a full answer.
But that feels like small potatoes given the scope the problem.
3 |
Masculine men are lovely. Feminine men are lovely. Everything between is lovely.
I'm disabled and basically prisoner in my own home, so I know what loneliness is and it can be much more crippling than the pain I feel. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Everyone should get hugs often if they want them, and be complimented regularly. We all deserve it.
16 |
@FinntasticMrFox
1 year ago
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