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12,264 Views • May 3, 2024 • Click to toggle off description
Some great books:
"Mothers Who Can't Love" - S Forward
"Wired for Love" S Tatkin
"Surviving a Borderline Parent"- Roth and Friedman
"Understanding the Borderline Mother" C Lawson
"Will I Ever Be Good Enough..." K McBride
"Mother Hunger" K McDaniel
*** We explore background info first - signs around 6:50!!
🌷NEW COURSE! "THE HYPER-VIGILANT TRAUMA PERSONALITY FROM EGGSHELL PARENTS AND PARTNERS" on thinkific.com: drkimsage.thinkific.com/
FOR MORE INFORMATION ON DR. KIM SAGE'S ONLINE COURSES
AND FREE CHECKLIST:
www.drsagehelp.com/
Tik Tok. www.tiktok.com/@drkimsage
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Online courses: www.drkimsage.thinkific.com/
Views : 12,264
Genre: Education
Date of upload: May 3, 2024 ^^
Rating : 4.945 (10/718 LTDR)
RYD date created : 2024-05-17T08:12:17.322409Z
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YouTube Comments - 80 Comments
Top Comments of this video!! :3
Dr Kim, I love the way you explain things, your quiet and reassuring tone/vibe, and your overall esthetic. It’s really lovely to have therapy content delivered in such a cozy manner. Thank you.
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It is so hard to learn one has negative traits as a result of immature parents and changing these patterns. I would describe my father like a gardner who digs a hole, throws a plant in the hole, throws some dirt over the plant, places a water can next to the plant, then criticizes the plant for growing up wonky: well I gave you a home, there is water next to you, the parasite arou d you "should make you a stronger" tree, "your mother's behavior wasn't that bad" - like when she threw a knife at you (father)?
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A mind blowing fact about epigenetics is that your egg was present in your mother when she was in your grandmother's womb. What your grandmother experienced during that pregnancy can affect you now.
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One of the biggest issues I had with my parents is that they always brought up them having it worse than me. Anytime I complained about anything I was ungrateful. But things that happened to them as children were literal felonies. So it felt like a threat.
It's so important to not expect your kids to feel grateful for normal parenting.
18 |
I have never had someone verbalize so succinctly all of my behaviours and why they were occurring.I have literally been trying to understand them myself for years, and although I tried therapy, was never able to find a therapist who understood or could help. I’ve done a lot of work on my own, but will definitely look at the books you mentioned are linked below. Thank you so much for these videos - they are valuable resources.
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I just cannot get over how exactly all your videos in this topic relates to me. So so specific. My mother is definitely between narcissism and BPD, I am not sure which one exactly. I fear that I am doing a similar thing to my daughter, and I am back to watching these type of videos to stop myself. I did really good with her until she was 3, and then I had to live with my mom again for this past year for her childcare and I’m fully in trauma mode. Which I fear I passed to my daughter. Bc now at 4 I am seeing some behavioral issues, and she was perfect at 3 bc I was at home with full time and of course using the best psychological practices I could find online. I’m trying to reverse the trauma to her, while protecting myself from my mother’s attacks and being fully deregulated myself. Two more months….
12 |
Honestly hit the nail on the head. Its hard because I want things because i was denied in childhood but that same childhood trauma holds me from achieving it. Like a great example is how i grew up feeling completely neglected, unseen, unloved etc. but when i get any type of attention i push it away out of this fear that it will just be to point out my flaws or taken away. This life is so fucking hard but its nice to know that its not exclusively my experience cuz that means i can be worth it.
2 |
This is so incredibly helpful as a starting point for working on halting passing on generational traumas; it greatly clarifies how easily traits, behaviours, and conditioning are developed because of unhealed trauma; everything on the list is relatable and actually clarified a confusion for me 💚 Than you Dr Kim
7 |
Oh my god, my parents are such eggshell parents. I was on high alert every day, never knowing what would happen. I always loved when they ran errands because I could relax without them being around.
Now as an adult I still carry that anxiety and high alert with me every day, it makes my life and job a living hell!
3 |
My mom recently started opening up to me about her childhood and what she went through. It’s really strange to hear after all these years of her being a closed book on anything regarding her past.
A good portion of her behaviors, as well as mine now make sense. I resonate with just about every point here.
4 |
These all hit home, but especially #10. I am working so hard on correcting this habit, I have such a very hard time when my kids are mistreated by anyone or upset. I feel like it's my job to "fix" it and I've slowly come to realize that it's not, it's okay to just sit with them and let them feel what they are feeling. I know for a fact that this comes from me not ever being validated when I was a kid. I dealt with all of my emotions alone, I have no memories of either parent ever asking how I was doing emotionally. Looking back, I know that I was numb to this and just went through it because I had no other choice and now with kids of my own I don't ever want them to feel like that so I overcompensate. But I am working on it! It's hard, but it's progressing well!
1 |
Insanely relatable. I resonate with all of these on the list. Recently I have been thinking how I am having an identity crisis (in my late 40’s!!) Its very confusing because I am the only one of my siblings who is mostly no/low contact with our parents. But I am a first born daughter and I truly believe this is the number one factor. Everyone loves my parents and I’m sure would think I was crazy if they heard my side of the story.
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I feel so seen with this video. I related to all 11 traits back then, and watching it now makes me think that I’ve made solid healing progress, but I see the areas I still need to grow in. For example, I’m still having trouble with not feeling safe to express emotions in conflict with any of my family or friends. The only safe place with another person is therapy. It’s hard to express emotions when people get defensive about you expressing them. Going into psychology, I started to wonder if I had traits of BPD and narcissism passed from my parents, but looking further, I realized I’m just a traumatized autistic. I wish everyone the best with their healing, and hopefully some will find my short experience somewhat relative. 💛
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❤❤im so thankful i found your channel. This is what ive been stuggling with my entire life. Everything you talk about hits everything ive been feeling. Now how to work through all of this is scary. Etr is very hard but a relief at the same time❤❤❤
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I so appreciate your videos on my healing journey. I only started to see my childhood and family through the lens of autism and trauma. It makes so much sense to me. I have had toxic shame from my earliest memory. I now know that I was never bad or broken, only traumatized, abandoned and autistic. I was discarded by my narcissist mother at 17 when she married a man closer to my age than hers. (He was 25 and she was 38. I was 17. 😮)
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Dear Kim, your way of explaining and speaking is very kind and affirming, and you are overall very beautiful and sympathetic by doing this in your own way. ❤❤
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Thank you Dr. Sage, it was very helpful. I see myself in most of the points you spoke about, took notes too. Now here is 11 pm and a little too late to think about such deep facets of myself. I will watch again the video tomorrow, expand my notes, translate to Italian partially and reflect on them. Then I will speak to my therapist about them in my next session, on Wednesday. Thanks again for your help. Sending love, Rita.
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Thank you Kim… as always, I appreciate your support, research and insight!
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17:13 so crazy when that story just.. vanishes, and you’re left seeing plain reality and understanding how dramatic unnecessary and crazy draining your own behaviours have been😊
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@bgbhour7334
2 weeks ago
Here is the 11 common traits: 1) Black and white thinking about everything, especially about self. Results in shame and self hate. 2) Deep distrust in human beings, get in and out of friendship quickly, boundary setting issues, unable to get out of unsafe friendships, overly judging people 3) Avoiding conflicts, because expressing anger was not safe in childhood 4) Identity disturbance, you don't know who you really are and what you want 5) Often have secret emotional dysregulation, deal with feelings alone or overly acting them out accompanied with shame 6) Chronic resentment for not being seen, never feeling appreciated, over caring for others without feeling appreciated 7) Often have anxiety, anxious attachment style, over reading things in your partner 8) Highly avoidant behavior and attachment 9) Highly sensitive/vigilance and empathic, always scanning others and making meaning of their actions, results in self-neglect 10) Emotional enmeshment with your partner or children resulting in nervous system dysregulation 11) Resort to numbing behaivors (binge watching, addition, dissociation, etc.)
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