@lucidghostgirl686

3 years ago

TW suicide, Self Harm, Abuse, Alcohol dependency . . . . . . . Please listen to these tips. I was born in 1966 and every since I can remember 2/3 years old and knowing im a girl. I nearly told my grandfather at 6 years old could he go to the man in the shop and ask him to make me into a girl.i always went to ask but changed it to a bird or something. My grandfather was the only person I trusted I have 5 sisters and we were all abused severely as children, living in fear and terror of my fathers NPD and mothers BPD. I was diagnosed with PTSD from the abuse. I'm 54 years old. I couldn't let anyone see my horrible genitalia pre puberty. Actually top and bottom, I was so ashamed, I dreaded having communal showers with boys at school. I used to secretly dress, before puberty. I used to dream of seeing me and would wake up miserable, I also had to deal with parental abuse and bullying at school. The depressive states from abuse and dysphoria became mixed and I felt like crying for no reason and couldn't work out all of this depression. When T hit me I thought I was going to die, I felt physically sick and severely depressed. I remember asking my mum if I was going to die. On top of this I was indoctrinated into Catholicism; people like me go to hell. I still have this fear; I don't believe, but its still there. I used to think "it" would go away, there was nothing I could do other than repress to a point where I had an existential crisis at 28 and didn't feel I existed anymore. The more I repressed the worse my depression got. At 15 I was self harming, I didn't know why. I just felt better after. I had already from the age of 17 started suicide attempts and being sectioned to a mental facility. I was also drinking to self medicate, but this lowered my inhibitions and I would tell a girlfriend, which made me feel ashamed and disgusted, not to mention severely guilty and depressed. I looked for help in 1986, but in those days you were either TS or TV. If you didn't transition you were TV. But I knew this wasn't true. I was surprised at the secret Meting place I went to that many of the dressed people there said they were men. It had to be secret, you would be stabbed in London (where I lived). I said are you a female/girl, they laughed and said no; it was a sleazy sex club unknown to me.i never went back. In 2000 oI called the gender Trust in Brighton, I had moved there with work, I was a software developer. I was told to explore and it felt euphoric. I instantly wanted hormones. I was drinking very heavy and going to the clair project. I had a girlfriend (i could never be intimate, it repulsed me). We had bought a house, she wasn't happy about me transitioning. I was 24/7 drinking, to go out of the house I had to drink lots of red wine. I got so much abuse, I was too afraid to go to work as me. It was too distressing having to go back to presenting as male. I was also getting abuse. I ended up getting the sack for taking time off, I was devastated, I lost everything. I was sectioned for my own safety. I was diagnosed with severe gender dysphoria mixed state depression and alcohol dependency. My other problem was why didn't I fancy men, I desire them, but there is no connection. All of my friends were female. After being let out I started drinking 24/7 running up a huge overdraft. This nearly killed me i was having alcoholic fits and my nervous system was destroyed. I remained abstinent from drink, then I decided to ride "it" out. I went into to denial. But the dysphoria was worst than ever, I just ignored it. I had lost all hope. My life continued with admissions for suicide and sevetr depression. All the while dressing in secret and feeling disgusted and ashamed. Eventually at 48 I began the process. It really was do or die. I was diagnosed with severe.dysphoria three times and a classic. Dr Lorimer (i went private) said it was down to was down to strong female family DNA and said he was surprised I hadn't been investigated for intersex. In the UK its a 6-7 year wait to see an endo. I ended up in march 2019 being resuscitated and put into an induced coma from a suicide because of the wait. As a result I have been fast tracked. However it is still a three year wait for surgery. My physical self has suffered, but at least I have breasts, and paid for facial hair removal. I will wait, but I'm now worried I might die before surgery. Not dealing with my dysphoria and being in denial has ruined my life. I feel like a 14 year old girl in a 54 year old body. So please seek help, "it" *me being female and incongruent, does not go away. There are so many resources today. This is a serious life threatening condition, don't end up like me, seek help now, as Dr Z says you can come out totally anonymously. Open one door at a time, if it feels ight open the next. Despite all of this I do feel content, no more hiding, and I have some hope. The blocker was a relief and the oestrogen has feminised my entire body. Oh one last thing hair loss and voice dysphoria are sooo miserable, I could not go anywhere without a hat, ever. However there are treatments. Good luck to everyone. Be proud of yourself, you no longer need to hide. I am totally proud to be female and developing. Young people are fab, especially students. You don't NEED TO BE AFRAID... I actually pass well, and you will too. Violet 💜

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