@siobhanphoenix9789

1 year ago

Trigger Warnings: It's amazing that he chose this song from the album Kid A. In the early early 2000s after I had gotten this album so much bad had happened. This album and this song was what I was listening to after my boyfriend had disappeared. After he came back he had checked himself into the hospital and was put into the psychiatric ward. I was alone in our apartment feeling more alone than ever all while I was blamed for his depression and all that was going on. It was a freezing cold and bleak January and then I got extremely sick not knowing what it was. I went to emergency and when I was asked if there was anyone for them to contact I told them my boyfriend was in the psychiatric ward. Then as I writhed in extreme pain on the table they sent a man in who treated me like a criminal. That I was faking the pain to just be close to my boyfriend. Finally through the pain I was able to say to him something along the lines of " Do you really think that I am faking throwing up bile??" They kept me in emergency for a bit and then sometime late a nurse was shocked and indignant that I was still there because I had supposedly been released. I was scared but I got up out of the bed. As soon as I stood I knew something wasn't right. I got dressed and got my things. I got a taxi home all the while knowing I was better off at the hospital. As soon as I was at my apartment door opening it I had the extreme pain in spasms. It continued for weeks with me on the couch constantly. I couldn't eat or prepare myself anything. The only thing I ate was crackers for weeks and water. When I was finally taken somewhat seriously by my boyfriends family his aunt who had been a nurse brought me packages of electrolyte solution believing I had a bad flu. I continued to be alone and in pain sleeping when I could and waking up from the pain. The pain was enough that I had to make noise. I got better but it came back again and this time when my boyfriend had been released from the psychiatric ward. While I was sick and alone the nurses told him to not leave to come help me and he listened to them which I was angry about. But when I started getting sick again not long after I started feeling better I was at emergency again. This time they admitted me to the hospital and did many tests. They even gave me my own room. The way they treated me the second time I always thought they did because they were trying to cover their asses to not be taken to court. I had had an ovarian cyst which was positioned in such a way that my uterus had prolapsed to the left and everything was blocked. And it was positioned in such a way that it had been hard to see when they did the ultrasound. After I was kept in the hospital and I was clear to go home I may have listened to this album and this song sometimes but when I did it just brought back too many of the horrible, dark and stinging feelings that were still quite fresh. Since then I haven't listened to it. Watching this video was the first time I had heard this song since then and it takes me back more than twenty years to a time that oddly enough had been the biggest nightmare of my life even after living in a broken home with a very severely mentally ill mother. I love Radiohead but I know I have avoided listening to this album for a reason. It expresses the feelings of a human soul that usually can never be expressed in words. The intense grief of aloneness, isolation, rejection, of being let down by life, of abandonment and of being unloved and hated and blamed. This song was majorly triggering for me and now I have to do what I can to process it as I have all my life. I wish and pray for peace on everyone who found themselves and their pain in this song the way that I have.

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