@pipthewarrior3738

2 months ago

I know this is out of pocket, my mother died of drug overdose when I was 10, I remember asking her to use her phone on the porch, and asking her to stop smoking because I never liked the smell. I never knew she died, my dad stop letting me go see her one day. I ended up running into the middle of traffic on a interstate trying to run to where she was staying, which was not at my dads house of course. Luckily it was during work hours so no one crashed or hit me. He told me that my mom was dead, I think I went to sleep after that, I never talked to him about it. Two or three years later I was with my grandparents and they were talking about their daughter, my mom, they talked about her overdose like I already knew that's how she died, I didn't. I thought I had a good mom then, but now I realize she was horrible, I love my dad lots, he saved me, but he's very hands off, I have no one except for my brother, and he just isn't my kind of person, I'm grateful I have him still of course, but sometimes his death, I wonder if It would hurt me. I have only one friend that I truly relate to, and all of my past girlfriends never meant anything to me really, relationships that were months long that I really never cared about ended with me just not talking to them anymore, ghosting them, and the dog I've had since I was 4 just died, I had a stronger connection to her than you would think for a dog, but I grew up with her and I had her for so long, it was like losing a family member. I started working in construction when I was 14-15, I'm 17 now, I only have one friend, I don't make any friends, I don't have the time, everything constantly hurts and tylenol doesn't help when I'm trying to sleep and it feels like my back is tearing itself apart. I don't do drugs, I drink alcohol sometimes, I'm happy that is all, but I don't think I've felt an actual emotion since I was a boy. update, gonna graduate in a few weeks then a couple of weeks after that I'll be 18, my dad has already threatened to kick me out more times than I can count but I held in for school, I don't know why, It's the only thing I knew for 12 years of my life so I guess it's natural, me and my friend are going to get an apartment and work from there, I don't feel like an adult, I still feel like a kid, there isn't any "waking up" that happens when you become an adult, it's just more responsibilities laid on top of you under the guise of "maturity is responsibility" which is a fucking corporate motto. Sometimes I think about just getting in my car with as much as I can take from my dad and driving whichever way I think looks prettiest, I have enough money to last a couple years like that I think, but to me that's like suicide, it's the easy way out, every shove full you throw out of your own hole is a problem you have to fix later, but sometimes you think it's easier to just fall asleep in your hole and die, because crawling out is too much work, but then all you'll be is some bones and a shovel and who's going to admire that?

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