@shiptomyhouse

1 year ago

I was born into a home with my mom and dad. Not even a year later, me and my mom went to live with my grandparents. It stayed that way for about 7 years. My mom and dad had my sister, but my dad was still not in the picture. When my sister was 1, and I was 8, my mom left us. She had been drinking, and decided one day to go to work and not come back. We saw her every once in a while, but she was not okay. Life went on, me, my sister, and my grandparents. I had 3 close friends, but when we got to middle school they began to grow more distant. They are still friends, just less. They decided to follow the football path, while i pursued music. Music was the only thing that I could fall back on for a while. 7th grade came and went, and I went into 8th. When I got into 8th grade I joined marching band, because it seemed amazing. I got in and it quickly became my whole life. Early in the morning to late at night I was with my first real friends doing my first real passion. That's where I met Mackenzie. I at first thought she was just really pretty, but we began talking and she turned into my best friend. We went like that for 2 months before I got fed up. I typed out my feelings and I couldn't press send. I asked a few of my friends and they said to just do it. I eventually pressed send and waited to get shut down. To my surprise however, she shared the same feelings. Over text we were very into each other, but things in person stayed exactly the same. Our stupid young brains were too scared to act for over a week. Things slowly picked up though. We hugged and things went up from there. My friends said I looked happier, and I was. She was the first person I really loved. We would stay up until 3 in the morning just talking. At one point she needed a mental break because of things at home. I thought things were over, but a week later she was feeling better and we missed each other loads. We got back together and things went back to normal. Marching band put us together most of every day. We would listen to her music on bus rides, and that's where I heard this song. It became my favorite song, it just clicked. We went on our first date the week before Christmas. We got Dutch Bros and laid under the stars together, and that was when I was happiest. We were happy, but the whole time she had been keeping little things from me. She had been in a traumatic relationship before, and little insecurities and secrets built up to her finally telling me that she was scared of a relationship. 3 days before new year, she broke up with me. That's when I broke. Years of a broken life finally snapped due to her leaving me. I went into a deep depression and felt a tad suicidal. This song came back to me then, it described me in ways I didn't even know. Through all that pain I still had my best friend Nathan and my band Teacher Mr.Rother. Mr.R was the first adult I had ever thought of as someone who cared about me. And Nathan had gone through a lot too. Nathan made me suck it up and tell Mr.R what had happened. In that small band office, I got the first (and last) real help. Nathan stayed with me and I called him my therapist consistently. Me and Kenzie were still friends, but I missed her to death. I was starting to feel better until the dance concert. Me, Nathan, Josh, and Lilly (I helped her through some stuff) were all in dance together. During the concert, Nathan started getting snappy and uptight. Late that night I was crying to Nathan again when he broke me yet again. He told me that my feelings didn't matter at all and that I should just shut up. Imagine how that felt to me, when he was really all I had. I told Kenzie and she said she couldn't believe he would do that. Josh was one of my other friends and after that I went to him. He helped me, but I was way far gone. Eventually he couldn't do anything else to help me and I was alone again. There is a whole month where I can't remember anything except that I was broken. During that entire month the only people who said anything at all to help me were Kenzie and Mr.R. the advanced fine arts went on a trip to California for 3 days and Kenzie was there just out of reach the whole time. The end of the year came, and I was a sad, broken mess. During the summer I healed mostly, but I was still depressed. I went on a backpacking trip where I met Braxton, and he was the comedic support I needed. I then went to FSY for week. I met my roommate and he mentioned his sister and I thought nothing of it, until I saw her and fell in love. Me and Renai confessed to each other halfway though the week. It was then she told me that she and her family had to move to Hawaii because her dad was military. We were happy, and when the week ended , she left. We stayed in touch for a while, but eventually we both thought it would be for the best if we ended things. I had Braxton and Lilly to help me through that, but it was okay. School came up again and when I went to band camp I discovered that Kenzie had started dating one of the drumline. At first I was distraught, but I quickly realized that she was way happier with him than she was with me. Months of gray area, before I start dating Nathan's adopted sister Emma. I had helped her in the past with emotional stuff, and I thought there was something there. We went for about a month, before she decided she just didn't want me anymore. I had heard from people that she would do that eventually so it softened the blow. It took a week of nothing before I started thinking again. I couldn't even find anybody to like anymore. All I could see everyday was Kenzie and Aiden, and they were happy. I didn't hate them, but it subconsciously messes with me. It got to my head and I began thinking things that no one should ever think. I began feeling left behind. Forgotten. Abandoned. I couldn't find anybody that ever asked me what was wrong. Lots of my friends started ignoring me. While they were asking Josh was okay because he was tired, I had to smile. Everybody liked Mr.Funnyhaha. Nobody gave a single SHIT about the real Jonah. I smiled and still I smile. When I think of the future it's gray. I wanted to die. I couldn't kill myself, I would just be an inconvenience,but I really wanted to die. My will to live is gone. One night I was checking Instagram and one guy mention Rex Orange County. I pulled up this song and just sat. All these emotions began pouring through my mind. I couldn't even think, so I decided to write. I wrote and I wrote. I wrote things that I hadn't even thought of before. And here we are. That's right I'm young. There is no happy ending. I'm lonely, depressed, and I wish I could just fucking die. I don't even deserve to be sad. There are people in the world who have gone through one hundred times this, yet for some reason I think I have the right to do this. I imagine a world where everybody is happy and I'm not in it. Everybody gets their own happy ending. What about me?

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